Who Will Go First?

Thought for the Fortnight

Weathervane of Old Father Time, Lord’s Cricket Ground

No, this is not a friendly opening question when playing a board game with a visiting grandchild. At least, not this time.

It is, instead, an opening question in that much more serious game we all play with the Grim Reaper.

You are a couple. Perhaps for many years. It’s not something you thought about when you were younger, but at some point – certainly once you reach your 80s – it does become a Real Thing.

Who will go first means, very simply, who will die first.

Not everyone talks about it, but I am pretty sure we all think about it.

It has all sorts of implications for the one left behind – emotional, of course, but also practical and financial – not to mention for the one departing.

There are many things in this life over which you have no control – and this is one of them. The big one. You can have your guesses, but you will never know until it happens.

My husband and myself

Statistics suggest that men live less long, so it has always been an underlying expectation that he would be the first to go. Moreover, he is a year older and has more health problems, albeit mostly minor. Another nod in the same direction.

It is kind-of my working assumption – and kind-of his. But you can’t generalise from statistics to the particular. We both know that. We can presume, but we can’t presume with any confidence.

We were discussing this just a few days ago. He says he prefers the idea of going first, aside from the difficulties it will cause me. He doesn’t want all the hassle of being on his own as an old increasingly frail man. I don’t blame him.

BUT, as I said to him with a wry smile, “You can’t be sure. Any day, I could die in the middle of the night and you will wake up and say, ‘Hey, this isn’t what we planned for.’”

And there will be nothing he can do.

All any of us can do is prepare. We all do this in our own way.

Planning – the practical side

There is increasing interest in end-of-life planning, which I think is a very good thing. This means two things.

First, there is setting out your wishes in as much detail as possible, making it easier for those left behind, especially if you were to die together. This may be concerning the immediate funeral or the bigger issues of disposal of what you own.

But there is also making sure that each person in a couple (and, to be safe, also their children) knows the practical matters that will prove so important – passwords, how to work various appliances, where to find all sorts of information about managing the household.

Life is difficult enough for a new widow or widower without the problem of finding necessary passwords or some apparently ‘trivial’ information that could make such a difference. Perhaps it is the boiler that suddenly doesn’t work. Or a crucial key that can’t be found. Or even the TV remote that is much too complicated.

Planning – the emotional side

But another form of preparation is simply rehearsing the dreaded moment and thinking about coping emotionally afterwards.

I have experience of doing exactly this in a completely different and more mundane context. As a jobbing researcher, I used to apply regularly for research grants. These would be of varying importance to me in terms of the duration of the work or the prestige of the grant, but I always hated being turned down.

For a few days before the decision, I would actually say to myself, as if someone were talking to me, “I’m terribly sorry, Dr Richardson, but this time we chose another applicant” or words to that effect. Somehow, doing this prepared me for those moments when I was then turned down. And if the news was positive, nothing had been lost.

Well, we can do the same in this context. I can imagine the doctor saying “I’m terribly sorry, Mrs Richardson, but he didn’t make it” or, again, words to that effect. They are shocking, they are difficult to hear even in the abstract, but perhaps they will help in the long run.

We shall see.

And what happens long-term?

Rehearsing for the long-term effect of being on one’s own is much more difficult. I know I regularly read with interest what widows have to say, just to let it seep into my consciousness little by little.

I don’t think my husband does that – or would like to do that – at all. But his whole mind-set is very different to mine. Vive la difference.

We both know it will be difficult. I suspect that the older we become, the better we would cope, in part because we would have had more time to think about it and plan for it. On the other hand, we would be more frail, perhaps having even fewer friends left.

Both of us feel strongly that the best thing the other one could do is find someone else. And we are both rooting for it for the other. Honestly. No hanging around grieving any longer than necessary.

I had a close friend who died many years ago now. Some years later, her husband told me they had discussed this issue (long before she had the cancer that killed her) and agreed that if one died, the other should wait two weeks before looking for someone else.

He told me this with a smile, as it was such a ridiculously short period. It took him three years – and I was delighted for him.

My husband and I loved this story. He now says I shouldn’t even wait two weeks if the mood takes me. (And vice versa, say I.)

I don’t think this is very likely to happen. I don’t even want it to happen.

But it’s lovely to know how he feels.

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THOSE READERS WHO CHOSE TO RAISE THEIR SUBSCRIPTION TO A PAID ONE.

I am still offering a half-price subscription during the month of June. Any income gained goes directly to an amazing homeless shelter in London. The last time I told a friend about it, she was so impressed she ended up volunteering there. The reason I chose it is my son volunteers there. Have a look below (‘brilliant job’), it really makes you want to be there.

When I offered a similar sale before, I offered three reasons why you might like to put a small amount of money to this cause. Put simply (and each bit of green is a link to my case):

i) it gives me a huge buzz,

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I keep trying to think up new ways to encourage discussion. I don’t want to add some idiotic questions so you can answer them, but I do want to know how you feel on these issues, some of which are very close to the knuckle.

Humour me if you can.