Thanks for this, Ann. The “Who goes first?” conversation was the one we should have had, and did not, even when he was terminally ill. It was magical thinking and deep denial. I’m still sorting things out, two years later. The matter of setting a waiting period - two weeks, I love that! - is sweet. Never did that, either. I wonder if that would have eased my adjustment to his absence. Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on him even to think about seeing someone. Who knows, it could be exciting to have an affair!😊
Watching a husband die, while not discussing it, sounds like torture to me, Mary, but I have always been an everything out in the open sort of person. The two weeks is kind of a joke, because who would be in the mood, but it is also a very serious matter of attitude. Because I wrote this piece (said husband always asks what I write about but never reads) we were discussing the issue again yesterday. He said he couldn’t imagine wanting one’s spouse to be unhappy (“who would want that?”) and if any sort of relationship would help, including sex, of course one should go for it. Yes, have an affair, if that works – might be kind of fun!!
My husband is turning 60 next week, and I already find myself thinking about this, trying to walk that fine line between facing into the reality of death and loss versus becoming paralysed by it or letting it rob the present moment. Last month a close friend lost her partner to a stroke, with no warning whatsoever, so it has been on my mind a lot. Thanks for giving voice to it, I appreciate your straight-talking approach Ann.
Thanks, Vicki. You’re the therapist, not me (although at one point I thought about it as a career) but personally I don’t think that thinking about the death of one’s partner robs one of the present. Quite the opposite. To me, it is incredibly life-giving - every time I think about him dying, I appreciate him that little bit more, want to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. After all, I won’t be able to do all that when he’s gone.
Thank you for this, Ann. I am haunted by this question. My husband and I are in our late sixties and we joke a little about this and recently went through a thorough estate planning process to make the paperwork easier. But we are such a unit and rely so much on one another. Even the way we do the little things together, make the bed, empty the dishwasher, cook, is like this quiet dance. I have difficulty imagining my life without him. I am much more troubled by the prospect of being the one left behind. I really related to the "rehearsing" because I rehearse as well. I've always been in the question of whether rehearsing is actually helpful or just stretches out the suffering. Maybe a little of both. Thank you for this thoughtful piece.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, Cathy. We haven’t been very good at a lot of it - we only set up Power of Attorney in the last year. We did have a Will ever since our daughter was born and we occasionally travelled without her - the great fear was, if we both died, who would be her guardian? She is now 56, so that was a long time ago.
I think we’re all troubled at being the one left behind - it sounds so very very empty. I feel that thinking about it helps, at least for me. But you have a long way to go (probably).
Good thinking and good writing, Ann. I'm a widow. My husband was 12 years older than me and teased me that he'd make me a young widow. When he hadn't by the time I turned 60 I told him he was too late. But he managed it by 66. He was the one who instigated preparations for one of us going first. We saw an attorney to get all of the deeds and policies set to "transfer on death" and went to a funeral home to plan services etc. and pay ahead. All of that was a real help when he died, not suddenly, but after a long illness. People were shocked that we joked about it and then made all those detailed plans but it helped us cope with the reality that his progressing illness would eventually kill him.
I'm pretty much a loner and don't really have the desire to find another partner but he wouldn't mind if I did. We were so well matched I can't envision finding someone just right again.
Sounds like a good guy, Barbara. We laugh about absolutely everything. I left some of it out because I thought readers would take it too seriously. I also can't imagine finding someone else who suited me so well - and neither can he. But we have been married for 62 years (!) so it is rather unlikely. Have you seen his comment on what makes for a good marriage? I wrote about it here https://arichardson.substack.com/p/what-makes-a-marriage-work-your-views It was a Note that went viral, much to my surprise.
My husband is about to turn 77, and I'm newly 64, so I do think about him going before me quite often. I think about ut becauseI agree that it takes rehearsal, mentally. I have a much harder time thinking about me going before him, though, and I know he doesn't think about it at all. And he absolutely doesn't want to.
I have tried to make things easy for him, as far as making him my medical decision maker, leaving the computer passwords easy to find, etc. But I know that it would be a complete fiasco for him, seriously. We both adore each other, and lean in each other's gifts, but he depends on me more in the everyday practical ways.
Yes, Jennifer, I would think about it a lot in your situation, although 77 is still young in this day and age. And, just as in your case, I am the practical one and the more energetic one. I do my best (and try to keep my children informed) but there are doubtless many things I haven't thought of.
Ann, this is a good conversation for couples to have. Debbie and I are 63 and we have both said that if something happens to the other we don't wan the survivor to be alone.
Perhaps, though, you can't know how you would feel or what you would do. As for a mandated waiting period, that makes the prospect a little too real for me to think about.
No, David, I don't know how I would feel and what I would do, but I know in my guts that thinking about it will make it a little bit easier. The mandated time period is a bit of a joke, but the sense of having been given 'permission' is not a joke at all.
This is a difficult subject for me to think about, but I appreciate your perspective on it. I love the encouragement of each other not to wait more than two weeks! I'm going to borrow that for my spouse. 😊
It's all difficult. Life is difficult. But I like to hit the future as open-eyed as I can. And help yourself with the two weeks. It wasn't even my idea!
I think about this often since my husband had a massive heart attack back in 2006 but I've had two brain surgeries and radiation since then. Who will go first? I have no idea. We have made great strides in making things easier for our children to figure out everything once we're gone. Both of us have given permission to the other to find someone else but neither of us can imagine it. We picture being terribly irritated by anyone else. LOL
You have been through much more than we have, Linda. My husband had a stroke four years ago and that was scary, but he is fine now. I agree about being irritated by someone else - we take a lot of 'breaking-in', don't we!
This is such a sensitive topic, and you dealt with it lightly but seriously. My maternal grandmother was quite matter-of-fact about asking her grandchildren to pick something in her home and she put our name on the back of it. I took this in stride, but my mother was horrified.
I agree with you that it’s important to be prepared to spare the surviving spouse, and the caregiver. I’ve been working on that. My husband is reluctant.
Thank you, Cathy. I think you put your finger on something more general about me – I deal with things lightly but seriously. Sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's not.
We asked our children what they would like and so far, the only thing they both came up with was our very old and not-at-all-special sugar bowl. Our grandchildren are in their teens and too wrapped up their own lives to think about things, but we will get there one day. I like the idea of passing on things.
Thanks for this, Ann. The “Who goes first?” conversation was the one we should have had, and did not, even when he was terminally ill. It was magical thinking and deep denial. I’m still sorting things out, two years later. The matter of setting a waiting period - two weeks, I love that! - is sweet. Never did that, either. I wonder if that would have eased my adjustment to his absence. Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on him even to think about seeing someone. Who knows, it could be exciting to have an affair!😊
Watching a husband die, while not discussing it, sounds like torture to me, Mary, but I have always been an everything out in the open sort of person. The two weeks is kind of a joke, because who would be in the mood, but it is also a very serious matter of attitude. Because I wrote this piece (said husband always asks what I write about but never reads) we were discussing the issue again yesterday. He said he couldn’t imagine wanting one’s spouse to be unhappy (“who would want that?”) and if any sort of relationship would help, including sex, of course one should go for it. Yes, have an affair, if that works – might be kind of fun!!
My husband is turning 60 next week, and I already find myself thinking about this, trying to walk that fine line between facing into the reality of death and loss versus becoming paralysed by it or letting it rob the present moment. Last month a close friend lost her partner to a stroke, with no warning whatsoever, so it has been on my mind a lot. Thanks for giving voice to it, I appreciate your straight-talking approach Ann.
Thanks, Vicki. You’re the therapist, not me (although at one point I thought about it as a career) but personally I don’t think that thinking about the death of one’s partner robs one of the present. Quite the opposite. To me, it is incredibly life-giving - every time I think about him dying, I appreciate him that little bit more, want to hold him and tell him how much he means to me. After all, I won’t be able to do all that when he’s gone.
Thank you for this, Ann. I am haunted by this question. My husband and I are in our late sixties and we joke a little about this and recently went through a thorough estate planning process to make the paperwork easier. But we are such a unit and rely so much on one another. Even the way we do the little things together, make the bed, empty the dishwasher, cook, is like this quiet dance. I have difficulty imagining my life without him. I am much more troubled by the prospect of being the one left behind. I really related to the "rehearsing" because I rehearse as well. I've always been in the question of whether rehearsing is actually helpful or just stretches out the suffering. Maybe a little of both. Thank you for this thoughtful piece.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, Cathy. We haven’t been very good at a lot of it - we only set up Power of Attorney in the last year. We did have a Will ever since our daughter was born and we occasionally travelled without her - the great fear was, if we both died, who would be her guardian? She is now 56, so that was a long time ago.
I think we’re all troubled at being the one left behind - it sounds so very very empty. I feel that thinking about it helps, at least for me. But you have a long way to go (probably).
Good thinking and good writing, Ann. I'm a widow. My husband was 12 years older than me and teased me that he'd make me a young widow. When he hadn't by the time I turned 60 I told him he was too late. But he managed it by 66. He was the one who instigated preparations for one of us going first. We saw an attorney to get all of the deeds and policies set to "transfer on death" and went to a funeral home to plan services etc. and pay ahead. All of that was a real help when he died, not suddenly, but after a long illness. People were shocked that we joked about it and then made all those detailed plans but it helped us cope with the reality that his progressing illness would eventually kill him.
I'm pretty much a loner and don't really have the desire to find another partner but he wouldn't mind if I did. We were so well matched I can't envision finding someone just right again.
Sounds like a good guy, Barbara. We laugh about absolutely everything. I left some of it out because I thought readers would take it too seriously. I also can't imagine finding someone else who suited me so well - and neither can he. But we have been married for 62 years (!) so it is rather unlikely. Have you seen his comment on what makes for a good marriage? I wrote about it here https://arichardson.substack.com/p/what-makes-a-marriage-work-your-views It was a Note that went viral, much to my surprise.
thanks for this Ann !
Good topic indeed but actually v complicated especially when one has dementia.
I can only imagine, but then I guess everything is complicated when one has dementia.
My husband is about to turn 77, and I'm newly 64, so I do think about him going before me quite often. I think about ut becauseI agree that it takes rehearsal, mentally. I have a much harder time thinking about me going before him, though, and I know he doesn't think about it at all. And he absolutely doesn't want to.
I have tried to make things easy for him, as far as making him my medical decision maker, leaving the computer passwords easy to find, etc. But I know that it would be a complete fiasco for him, seriously. We both adore each other, and lean in each other's gifts, but he depends on me more in the everyday practical ways.
Yes, Jennifer, I would think about it a lot in your situation, although 77 is still young in this day and age. And, just as in your case, I am the practical one and the more energetic one. I do my best (and try to keep my children informed) but there are doubtless many things I haven't thought of.
Yes, indeed. Thanks for the reminder. Keeping an eye on reality is useful.
Ann, this is a good conversation for couples to have. Debbie and I are 63 and we have both said that if something happens to the other we don't wan the survivor to be alone.
Perhaps, though, you can't know how you would feel or what you would do. As for a mandated waiting period, that makes the prospect a little too real for me to think about.
No, David, I don't know how I would feel and what I would do, but I know in my guts that thinking about it will make it a little bit easier. The mandated time period is a bit of a joke, but the sense of having been given 'permission' is not a joke at all.
This is a difficult subject for me to think about, but I appreciate your perspective on it. I love the encouragement of each other not to wait more than two weeks! I'm going to borrow that for my spouse. 😊
It's all difficult. Life is difficult. But I like to hit the future as open-eyed as I can. And help yourself with the two weeks. It wasn't even my idea!
I think about this often since my husband had a massive heart attack back in 2006 but I've had two brain surgeries and radiation since then. Who will go first? I have no idea. We have made great strides in making things easier for our children to figure out everything once we're gone. Both of us have given permission to the other to find someone else but neither of us can imagine it. We picture being terribly irritated by anyone else. LOL
You have been through much more than we have, Linda. My husband had a stroke four years ago and that was scary, but he is fine now. I agree about being irritated by someone else - we take a lot of 'breaking-in', don't we!
🤣
This is such a sensitive topic, and you dealt with it lightly but seriously. My maternal grandmother was quite matter-of-fact about asking her grandchildren to pick something in her home and she put our name on the back of it. I took this in stride, but my mother was horrified.
I agree with you that it’s important to be prepared to spare the surviving spouse, and the caregiver. I’ve been working on that. My husband is reluctant.
Thanks for your frankness.
Thank you, Cathy. I think you put your finger on something more general about me – I deal with things lightly but seriously. Sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's not.
We asked our children what they would like and so far, the only thing they both came up with was our very old and not-at-all-special sugar bowl. Our grandchildren are in their teens and too wrapped up their own lives to think about things, but we will get there one day. I like the idea of passing on things.