The hubs and I are in our mid 60’s and married for 30 years. Many arguments along the way and lots of laughs. Your post made me think, have we changed? And yes, my husband has become the perfect sous chef and does the dinner dishes without being asked. If he sees unfolded laundry, he folds it and he makes the bed everyday. As I reflect, I think this started about 4 years ago. And as the years pass, far fewer arguments overall. I think we finally truly accept each other as we are or we’ve just run out of steam.
Great, it sounds like you have a lot of wonderful years together still to come. I absolutely love the older years and my book, same title as my Substack, tells you why.
I really enjoyed this post, Ann! My partner and I pretty much never argue over chores, I sometimes try to hold him off from doing more than his own share 😅 He always does the cooking, I sometimes do the salad - very much like your husband, I'm fire-averse in the kitchen. This has potentially earned me not the best reputation with mine and his parents, as they always seem to expect cooking should be the woman's responsibility in the household. We don't have any problems with the chore split though, I tackle dishes (most of the time), cleaning and tidying up and administrative tasks. I'm curious to see how this evolves over the years as we've been together for almost 5 now (seems long to me!) but I feel like we've struck a good balance :)
Well done, Milena, for getting off to such a good start. The most important thing is caring about the welfare of your partner. You might like this, which doesn't sound like it but is about the nature of love https://arichardson.substack.com/p/encounter-in-rome. Good luck for the next 56 years!
This sounds eerily like my husband and I's relationship with chores. But he's the cook and I do the non-cooking things as I have both vision issues and hands disabled from arthritis. I'm 82 and he's 73; we've been married for nearly 38 years. I love that you and he are sharing the other tasks, and I also do the financial bits, as well as the medical appointments. It's so important to look out for one another and take on the tasks for which we are best suited. I love how you wrote about it; I felt like I was there.
Thanks. It’s a good way to be, isn’t it. I suddenly noticed that we were arguing the ‘wrong’ way when he wasn’t feeling well and I tried to empty the dishwasher. He was very determined to do it and we got into a minor argument ‘No, I’ll do it’ until I burst out laughing.
I am so pleased it struck a chord. I just keep an eye open and if something jumps out at me as interesting, I write about it. It's one reason why all my posts are completely different. I've been married 61 years now (I just turned 83 two days ago) and write occasionally about marriage (there was one when we had out 60th anniversary), kids, grandkids and heaven knows what else. And I LOVE to make people smile. Try https://arichardson.substack.com/p/thinking-about-the-vulva or, indeed, https://arichardson.substack.com/p/conversations-with-a-bot.
Fabulous piece, Ann! My love and I get better and better at leaning on each other's strengths as the years go. Though we have had them, our arguments or little 'snits' are decreasing from our beginning days. What we have found is that we make a great team with many more wins than loses. So glad for that! Appreciate your post here and definitely felt a parallel in our lived marital experience. It made me smile.
Oh dear, Wendy. I make such an effort to respond to comments but today I decided I should check over recent posts and I am finding a few I somehow overlooked. Thanks so much for letting me know that there were parallels. I never know whether my life is weird or what other people experience! I do suspect that if people are genuinely happily married that all the arguments diminish. You might like this, which was re-published yesterday on The Inner Life https://arichardson.substack.com/p/encounter-in-rome
Wonderful turn of events, eh! We're babies compared to you all. My husband is 59 and I'm 51 ~ but yeah, chores. We definitely have a different outlook on the urgency in which things need to get done. What I've learned through the years is to ask, "Is this important?" and if it's not, never really is, I learn to let is slide, as in I don't get as mad as I used to!
I have had many of these experiences. Right now, with Louise in assisted living (which we call Darlington House), I must do everything, but even f she is here, I do most of the things you do.
Perhaps it is due to our genes, not gender. It helps that I can still drive, and enjoy doing it.
Thank you, Susan. Funnily enough, I didn't expect to get so many comments on it. (It makes up for others that I especially liked but didn't get many comments,)
We never argue about chores. If anything, we try to unburden the other by doing them ourselves. We rarely argue. We're both around 70. Why waste precious time?
This made me smile, Ann. Thank you. I feel like I'm more focused on getting my teenagers to do their chores than my husband! We don't really have any ailments except exhaustion at this point in our lives. We're still raising three kids and often just say to each other, "I got it." Our household is busy enough where it's impossible to keep any sort of scorecard, nor would I want to. All hands on deck, there are chores enough for everyone.
Well - I don’t have a husband or partner but a variety of lodgers for different reasons and seasons. Currently a young Ukranian woman trying to make a life in England. Some are more helpful than others when it comes to housework, some like to cook, some garden, some teach me online tricks - all enrich my life and stop me from feeling lonely or as though I’m missing something ….and because their time with me is finite, I don’t wish them away
I would find lodgers very difficult! Good on you for helping a Ukrainian woman. I sometimes feel bad that we didn’t answer that call, but we become very itchy when we have people in the house even for one night. So we would make very bad hosts.
What a lovely twist. I love hearing about things that get better as we age. With any luck, a much younger person will read this and wonder if they could switch the household chores argument now instead of waiting.
That's an excellent idea, but I don't think it works like that. If only we could pass all our wisdom down a generation or two - they would really appreciate it.
Excellent! I appreciate your honest and insightful reflection on arguments and relationships, Ann. It's wonderful to see how the nature of your arguments has evolved over time into caring for each other. In my experience, sharing chores is often the best way to show love and support - plus, it avoids socks getting mysteriously lost in the laundry!
It's wonderful to hear how growing older has brought a new depth of understanding and kindness to your relationship. Ha Ha! Pleased to share that my own arguments continue but are dealt with so differently now. A lovely read, thank you. Happy birthday for tomorrow!
Ann, ha ha never had an argument?! Sam and I squabble and fight on a regular basis, sometimes over the dishwasher and division of household chores, sometimes (more upsetting) over difficult members of my family. The latter is a tough one that we haven’t figured out or resolved yet… my parents dying recently has exposed some fault lines. We both feel bruised and hurt, but we are handling it differently. Thanks for this lovely essay!
Thanks, Debbie. It's a constant surprise to me that I keep thinking of new things to write about. I had another idea and then this one took over. It's kind of like opening a Christmas present - what will my brain give me this week (fortnight)?
I can’t believe how much time we lost in your youth to arguments over who did the dishes. Aging taught us to be considerate in the little ways you mention. We’re no longer afraid of being short-changed.
That's a good way of putting it, Rona - the 'short-changed'. There's no mental ledger that we're keeping anymore. I think aging teaches us to be considerate, but also it teaches us that a lot of things are just not worth arguing about.
The hubs and I are in our mid 60’s and married for 30 years. Many arguments along the way and lots of laughs. Your post made me think, have we changed? And yes, my husband has become the perfect sous chef and does the dinner dishes without being asked. If he sees unfolded laundry, he folds it and he makes the bed everyday. As I reflect, I think this started about 4 years ago. And as the years pass, far fewer arguments overall. I think we finally truly accept each other as we are or we’ve just run out of steam.
Great, it sounds like you have a lot of wonderful years together still to come. I absolutely love the older years and my book, same title as my Substack, tells you why.
I really enjoyed this post, Ann! My partner and I pretty much never argue over chores, I sometimes try to hold him off from doing more than his own share 😅 He always does the cooking, I sometimes do the salad - very much like your husband, I'm fire-averse in the kitchen. This has potentially earned me not the best reputation with mine and his parents, as they always seem to expect cooking should be the woman's responsibility in the household. We don't have any problems with the chore split though, I tackle dishes (most of the time), cleaning and tidying up and administrative tasks. I'm curious to see how this evolves over the years as we've been together for almost 5 now (seems long to me!) but I feel like we've struck a good balance :)
Well done, Milena, for getting off to such a good start. The most important thing is caring about the welfare of your partner. You might like this, which doesn't sound like it but is about the nature of love https://arichardson.substack.com/p/encounter-in-rome. Good luck for the next 56 years!
Thanks Ann, will check it out!
This sounds eerily like my husband and I's relationship with chores. But he's the cook and I do the non-cooking things as I have both vision issues and hands disabled from arthritis. I'm 82 and he's 73; we've been married for nearly 38 years. I love that you and he are sharing the other tasks, and I also do the financial bits, as well as the medical appointments. It's so important to look out for one another and take on the tasks for which we are best suited. I love how you wrote about it; I felt like I was there.
Thanks. It’s a good way to be, isn’t it. I suddenly noticed that we were arguing the ‘wrong’ way when he wasn’t feeling well and I tried to empty the dishwasher. He was very determined to do it and we got into a minor argument ‘No, I’ll do it’ until I burst out laughing.
Sometimes I also use joking and laughter to ease up a minor disagreement, and it works. I find using humor in my life lightens it up, a lot.
We do a lot of laughing. I am just writing a piece about ‘fun’ which is surprisingly difficult to define.
I am so pleased it struck a chord. I just keep an eye open and if something jumps out at me as interesting, I write about it. It's one reason why all my posts are completely different. I've been married 61 years now (I just turned 83 two days ago) and write occasionally about marriage (there was one when we had out 60th anniversary), kids, grandkids and heaven knows what else. And I LOVE to make people smile. Try https://arichardson.substack.com/p/thinking-about-the-vulva or, indeed, https://arichardson.substack.com/p/conversations-with-a-bot.
Fabulous piece, Ann! My love and I get better and better at leaning on each other's strengths as the years go. Though we have had them, our arguments or little 'snits' are decreasing from our beginning days. What we have found is that we make a great team with many more wins than loses. So glad for that! Appreciate your post here and definitely felt a parallel in our lived marital experience. It made me smile.
Many blessings and MUCH LOVE,
~Wendy💜
Oh dear, Wendy. I make such an effort to respond to comments but today I decided I should check over recent posts and I am finding a few I somehow overlooked. Thanks so much for letting me know that there were parallels. I never know whether my life is weird or what other people experience! I do suspect that if people are genuinely happily married that all the arguments diminish. You might like this, which was re-published yesterday on The Inner Life https://arichardson.substack.com/p/encounter-in-rome
Thank you, Ann, for the reply and the link to another beautiful piece! Blessings, ~Wendy💜
Wonderful turn of events, eh! We're babies compared to you all. My husband is 59 and I'm 51 ~ but yeah, chores. We definitely have a different outlook on the urgency in which things need to get done. What I've learned through the years is to ask, "Is this important?" and if it's not, never really is, I learn to let is slide, as in I don't get as mad as I used to!
I don’t know why it takes so long to become sensible on these matters but it does. All I can say is it gets better.
I have had many of these experiences. Right now, with Louise in assisted living (which we call Darlington House), I must do everything, but even f she is here, I do most of the things you do.
Perhaps it is due to our genes, not gender. It helps that I can still drive, and enjoy doing it.
Lovely piece. Happy birthday.
Sometimes our words are not enough (or too much). Stay strong and true. A seasoned and reasoned voice is such a treasure in these tumultuous times.
Thank you, Susan. Funnily enough, I didn't expect to get so many comments on it. (It makes up for others that I especially liked but didn't get many comments,)
We never argue about chores. If anything, we try to unburden the other by doing them ourselves. We rarely argue. We're both around 70. Why waste precious time?
We also rarely argue. But we married age 21 and 22 (which was pretty stupid, but turned out wonderfully - now 61 years) and by gosh, we argued then.
This made me smile, Ann. Thank you. I feel like I'm more focused on getting my teenagers to do their chores than my husband! We don't really have any ailments except exhaustion at this point in our lives. We're still raising three kids and often just say to each other, "I got it." Our household is busy enough where it's impossible to keep any sort of scorecard, nor would I want to. All hands on deck, there are chores enough for everyone.
Sounds like you have your hands full. It's the rest of us who have time for arguments and not as much sense,
My hands are definitely full right now, but seasons change.❤️
Well - I don’t have a husband or partner but a variety of lodgers for different reasons and seasons. Currently a young Ukranian woman trying to make a life in England. Some are more helpful than others when it comes to housework, some like to cook, some garden, some teach me online tricks - all enrich my life and stop me from feeling lonely or as though I’m missing something ….and because their time with me is finite, I don’t wish them away
I would find lodgers very difficult! Good on you for helping a Ukrainian woman. I sometimes feel bad that we didn’t answer that call, but we become very itchy when we have people in the house even for one night. So we would make very bad hosts.
Not really altruistic - I get a lot back!
I understand. I felt the same way when I volunteered at a hospice some years ago.
I read that - so moving. And much harder than hosting a lovely young woman!
What a lovely twist. I love hearing about things that get better as we age. With any luck, a much younger person will read this and wonder if they could switch the household chores argument now instead of waiting.
That's an excellent idea, but I don't think it works like that. If only we could pass all our wisdom down a generation or two - they would really appreciate it.
Excellent! I appreciate your honest and insightful reflection on arguments and relationships, Ann. It's wonderful to see how the nature of your arguments has evolved over time into caring for each other. In my experience, sharing chores is often the best way to show love and support - plus, it avoids socks getting mysteriously lost in the laundry!
It's wonderful to hear how growing older has brought a new depth of understanding and kindness to your relationship. Ha Ha! Pleased to share that my own arguments continue but are dealt with so differently now. A lovely read, thank you. Happy birthday for tomorrow!
Thanks, Deborah. You will see that I am often touting the joys of growing older.
Happy birthday for tomorrow! Hugs and best wishes for the year ahead. 🤗🤗
Thanks, Beth. We're actually travelling tomorrow (from Paris to London), so we've been celebrating a day in advance.
Ann, ha ha never had an argument?! Sam and I squabble and fight on a regular basis, sometimes over the dishwasher and division of household chores, sometimes (more upsetting) over difficult members of my family. The latter is a tough one that we haven’t figured out or resolved yet… my parents dying recently has exposed some fault lines. We both feel bruised and hurt, but we are handling it differently. Thanks for this lovely essay!
Thanks, Debbie. It's a constant surprise to me that I keep thinking of new things to write about. I had another idea and then this one took over. It's kind of like opening a Christmas present - what will my brain give me this week (fortnight)?
I can’t believe how much time we lost in your youth to arguments over who did the dishes. Aging taught us to be considerate in the little ways you mention. We’re no longer afraid of being short-changed.
That's a good way of putting it, Rona - the 'short-changed'. There's no mental ledger that we're keeping anymore. I think aging teaches us to be considerate, but also it teaches us that a lot of things are just not worth arguing about.