Marital Arguments Change Direction

Thought for the Fortnight

I am sure you know it well. Few people have avoided the seemingly inevitable arguments that crop up within married couples (or within any two people who choose to live together).

No matter how wildly in love you are, no matter how wonderful the sex, no matter how long you waited to find the right person – I could go on and on – at some point, you find yourself being annoyed with the wonderful other.

Do you believe anyone who says they’ve never had a disagreement, much less a real argument? My BS detector begins to buzz.

The focus of arguments

Arguments might be about something very important to you – how the other person treats your wider family or your close friends. It might be about their politics or religious beliefs. (Believe it or not, my husband and I clarified both of the latter on our first date!)

Or the arguments might be about something very trivial – the frequency with which the other person changes their underclothes (yes, this seems to be a topic in some households) or some irritating habit, such as tapping a pen on a table.

There are so many ways we can annoy the person we live with and vice versa. They usually crop up at one time or another and sometimes very frequently.

But at a minimum, arguments are about who does the housework.

Take your pick. You have said – or they have said – one of these things or words to the same effect, with varying degrees of asperity:

“Have you noticed that the dishwasher needs emptying? It’s your turn this week.”

“I don’t think you have put the bins out yet – they need to be done soon, as the rubbish gets collected early tomorrow morning, as you very well know.”

“No bread again! I specifically asked you to buy a loaf, so I can make sandwiches when the family comes for tea.”

Perhaps you are even less polite. A few ‘damns’ or worse. Or the careful smattering of the slightly sarcastic use of ‘darling’ to make your views more pointed. It happens to us all.

And, unless you are very lucky, it continues for much of your life together. There is something about human nature that means we are always trying to get out of the chores.

And some of you will point out that the arguments aren’t really about the chores. You would be right, but that is not my concern here.

The joys of growing older

Regular readers will know that I am constantly calling attention to the joys of growing older. My posts are full of them. I have even written a whole book about why I like being old.

Yet I have just realised that there is another.

My husband and I are both in our eighties. We do not currently have any life-threatening illness hanging over us. But we both do increasingly find ourselves with ‘off’ days – days when we are tired and lack energy, days when some minor pain is causing problems, days when we would prefer to stay in bed, although we rarely do.

And we still have arguments about the chores, but I have noticed that they now have a completely different tone. Indeed, they have switched direction – a full 180 degrees.

We are each trying to do the work, to save the energy of the other.

“No, don’t bring in the bins…they’re too awkward for you to manage with your bad knee.’

“We seem to need some milk…Let me go buy a pint. It’s no trouble – I know you’re feeling tired”.

“I appreciate that you were planning to do it, but you’ve been in pain, shall I hang up the washing?”

And we both genuinely mean it.

Of course, this change of direction does not come all at once. It happens slowly over time, including to the newest of couples. Sometimes, one person gets an enthusiasm to do certain activities which sorts out that chore, but rarely all of them.

In my case, some time in the last five or ten years, my husband decided to take over the kitchen. No, not the cooking – he doesn’t cook, although he makes wonderful salads of all sorts. (I tell friends he does lots of preparation, but ‘does not get involved with fire’.)

But he sets and clears the table, fills and empties the dishwasher and prepares everything to be ready for cooking. A true sous-chef. Which is wonderful. Especially where there is a lot of chopping involved, like a vegetable soup or a risotto.

And what, you may ask, do I do for such a wonderful service? Well, one thing I do is anything that smacks of home or personal administration. Yes, I keep track of the bank account, the utility payments, I do all the taxes and anything that involves writing letters, emails or the internet. That’s just about everything to do with running the house (or our lives) behind the scenes.

He hates phones and refuses to own a smart one. Therefore anything involving codes sent to your phone always come to me. He also has not fully come to terms with the internet. And I am always the one to phone the doctor. What is it with men and phoning the doctor? Friends tell me I am not alone in this.

You don’t have to be old to have such a switch, but I suspect it helps.

It is a good way to live (my finger typed the word “love” by accident and I wondered whether to keep it).

Let’s settle for a good way to live and love.

So, what is your experience with sharing the chores? Never had an argument? Do tell. Or perhaps you have noticed that longevity in a relationship does change the nature of your arguments. I love to hear from you all and do my best to respond to every comment.

And the homeless shelter I support is always happy when I get a new paying subscriber. Is this the moment to take the plunge? Tomorrow is my birthday (yes, 83) and it would make a lovely birthday present because it gives me such a buzz. (see https://arichardson.substack.com/p/my-heavens-it-gives-me-a-buzz)