Would You Like to be Young Again?

Thought for the Fortnight

Photo oe me sometime in my 20s, c 1964-5

I have always thought of Substack as primarily a writing medium and not bothered much with pictures unless I had something hugely relevant. But I have recently spoken to someone who said no, you really need pictures: “We humans like bright shiny things.” As her own newsletter is highly successful and I can see that my newsletters with pictures tend to get more views, I decided she might be right – and vowed to add more pictures.

But I couldn’t find a bright shiny one this time. Instead, I found this photo, in not-at-all-perfect condition, taken of me some time in my twenties. Oddly, I can’t remember it being taken nor ever seeing it before, but I like its contemplative mood.

Regular readers of this Substack will know that I like being old – and at 82, there’s no ambiguity on whether I have reached this status. It’s a message I return to from time to time. Yes, a few wheels fall off here and there, but taken all in all, it is a time when you are most at one with yourself and with others.

But let me pause for a moment and consider the converse proposition, i.e. would I like to return to earlier years? Do I somehow feel I was happier then? Was it easier then? Would I, in short, prefer to be young again?  And, if so, how young?

And what about you?

Our younger years

Some people say that childhood represents the happiest years, when you are completely carefree and responsible for nothing much at all. Circumstances differ, of course, but it is often said to be a time when you simply have to get up in the morning, get yourself to school, play with your friends and, perhaps, do the odd chore.

Personally, I think childhood is greatly over-rated. For some, it may have been an easy and enjoyable time, but it can also be a time of great stress. You don’t understand the world, you don’t know where you are going in life, your ‘friends’ can be difficult and sometimes even bullies. Worst of all, you don’t understand yourself – neither your weaknesses nor your strengths.

Some look back and see only the positive. But I had a fair number of problems myself with childhood and watched as the same arose for my children and grandchildren in turn. I wouldn’t go back to childhood for the world.

Moving forward, becoming a teenager is undoubtedly exciting, as you begin to explore the wider world and its possibilities. You become much more aware of other people, as well as yourself and your place among your friends and others. You begin to wonder where you are heading in life and what you need to do to get there.

Perhaps you feel very popular and self-confident, but I suspect this is true for only a minority. Adolescence and its aftermath represent a time of such angst that it is hard to think that many people would want to go back there. 

Once you are past the worst of adolescence, life does become a little easier. You have begun to settle into a profession or job of some kind. You are exploring personal relationships, perhaps choosing a partner and having children. You may have moved to a new area because of your job or relationships.

Yes, it is exciting. A lot of new joys. A new partner or spouse. A new baby or two. Gaining new responsibilities at work. Beginning to get a sense of yourself. Yes, yes, yes. But as I look back, I also see a lot of problems. 

The period of one’s twenties is particularly problematic. You are officially declared to be an adult, but frequently don’t feel or act like one. It’s not easy to find a permanent place to live and, indeed, these days many continue to live with their parents.

More difficult still, a lot of people feel the pressures of not really knowing where they are heading in terms of a career or even partner. If they have chosen something to do, they wonder whether they will be good enough. Some may also question whether their chosen partner is, in fact, the right one. For many, it is again an unsettling time.

Growing older

It all becomes a bit easier in your thirties. Some issues have clarified themselves for good or ill. But you see yourself approaching the big 40 and wonder whether you have done well enough. And everyone is absurdly busy and pulled in many directions – the search for promotion, the needs of the partner and kids. Often, people find that even their friends are too busy to talk. Is that so great?

At least by the time you are in your ‘middle years’, your forties or so, you know yourself reasonably well. You have begun to learn how to pursue your strengths and to live with your limitations. If you are a woman, you will have finished having all the children you will ever have, which may be seen as a relief or the source of considerable unhappiness. But you do know where you are in this respect.

And as you move into your fifties, you may also be coping with menopausal symptoms, which may be no difficulty at all or cause major problems. And you may be faced with the famous twin pressures of adolescent children and ageing parents, both of whom need your attention. For some, this can be the most stressful period of their lives.

But once you hit your sixties, life gets easier. Not suddenly, but little by little. You find your horizons expanding, rather than constricting and you have the energy to take on new issues. Many of us turn in new directions at this time, whether volunteering or finding a new burst of creativity or even starting a new business.

And you know yourself so much better by now. Yes, your looks are not what they were, but you are much more comfortable in your own skin. You have a new confidence which astonishes both you and those around you. And, if you are very lucky, you will have grandchildren, which is a relationship like no other, about which I have written a great deal.

These are all very individual matters, which vary with the trajectory of any one person’s life and that of those around them. But in my own view, the older we become, the better it gets. The early years are hard, the middle ones somewhat better. The fifties were great, the sixties were just fine and the seventies didn’t go downhill. And I sit here at 82, still feeling a sense of peace in my world.

Not everyone will agree. A lot will depend on the luck of good health and good relationships, neither fully under our control. And, of course, if we could be an earlier age with the confidence and wisdom we have now, we might take a different view. But that would be cheating. It doesn’t work that way.

What do other people think?

I published an article exploring this issue on two occasions, 18 months apart, on the online women’s magazine for women aged 60 or over, SixtyandMe.com, with readers invited to comment.

Altogether, there were roughly 215 readers’ comments. Of these, 122 expressed a clear preference for a particular age, with the following responses:

childhood:         2

teens                 5

twenties:           9

thirties:           20

forties              27

fifties                 8

sixties & over  51

                        122 responses

In sum, 71 people (58%) indicated that they would prefer to be younger, while 51 (42%) were very happy where they were. Most of the latter were in their sixties but a small number were older, including one or two in their eighties.

This was not a random sample, but I thought it was interesting nonetheless. Although the majority said they would prefer to be younger, many of the comments were more nuanced than the simple numbers suggest.

For instance, many noted they would like to be younger, but with the knowledge and confidence that they have now, so perhaps they should be excluded from the count as I had tried to make clear that this was not an option. 

Some simply wanted to enjoy their children’s childhood all over again. And some wanted to go back to enable them to make different and better decisions about their life.

In other words, this was not such a clear vote for being younger per se.

Importantly, there were a great number of satisfied older people, who were keen to explain why. Some just seemed to feel very settled with their lives:

“For me, being 60 is perfect. I realise we all have our stories and our season. I believe my season is 60 and I intend to enjoy it.” (Karen)

“I love, LOVE the age I am now. At almost 65, I’m active, wiser, making better life choices and loving retirement.” (Debra)

“I would not want to look or be younger. My age, grey hair and wrinkles are perfect!” (Barbara)

Some talked of seeing their later years as a natural progression:

“Love being 67. I worked hard to get here happy and healthy – planning to retire in a few months and enjoy the next season of life.” (Carrie)

“I am just fine with the age that I am, 67. I have had a colourful, eventful, heart-breaking, rewarding and amazing life so far. I wouldn’t change a thing.” (Shelly)

“I would like my body to be young, sans the creaking, the loss of strength and perhaps a few wrinkles, but I prefer to be the fine wine aged to perfection that I have become.” (Carmela)

“I quite like myself at age 86. Every year has more to offer and we never know what the future has in store.” (Brenda)

And some welcomed their much greater self-esteem:

“No, I wouldn’t want to be younger. It took me a long time to get where I am mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I would never go back. Love my life at 66.” (Judi)

“It has taken me 62 years to truly start loving myself and be excited about my plans for the future...It is my time now and it is all good.” (Patricia)

“Good gosh, NO. My younger life was a mess, thanks to me. Older and hopefully wiser. I have no desire to go back.” (Lee)

“I’m finally figuring myself out. Why would I want to go backwards?” (Dianne)

These comments accord with a number of surveys undertaken to examine happiness at different ages. To list just one, a major study of 300,000 adults across the UK found that life satisfaction, happiness and a general feeling that life was worthwhile peaked among men and women aged 65-79 (Office for National Statistics, Measuring National Well-being in the UK, 2016). These feelings did drop off among those over the age of 80, however, possibly arising from poorer health and greater loneliness.

So what can we conclude? Every life has its own particular course – its peaks and troughs, its joys and tribulations. Whether the total adds up to a happy life or a disappointed one cannot be predicted in advance, arising from so many differing events over the course of our years.

But it does seem that a lot of us do come to the view – taking the bad with the good – that being older has much to recommend it. We do not want to be young again. Our later years are not inevitably a difficult time. There is much left to sample, roll around our mouths and savour. In the words of one of these women, “a fine wine aged to perfection.” 

This is a cause for celebration.

What do you think? How would you have answered my survey?

This piece is published in my book, The Granny Who Stands on her Head: Reflections on growing older and an early version was published by Sixtyandme.com.