I am delighted that I found you after seeing your initial post, and it's so fun to read the events that followed. Seeing your note feels like synchronicity, because I have just been texting on this topic with my wife, who is taking care of her mother with dementia in another state - since last April! While chatting with her and intensely feeling my love and appreciation for her, I was reminded of a passage by Khalil Gibran about marriage that we used in our wedding ceremony. He captured a quality that I could not truly understand or embody in our 23 years together, until now, having spent the last year apart and flourishing both individually and as a couple.
He said, "It is a question in marriage, to my feeling, not of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow. A togetherness between two people is an impossibility, and where it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a reciprocal agreement which robs either one party or both of his fullest freedom and development. But, once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!
"Therefore this too must be the standard for rejection or choice: whether one is willing to stand guard over the solitude of a person and whether one is inclined to set this same person at the gate of one’s own solitude, of which he learns only through that which steps, festively clothed, out of the great darkness."
The rest of the surrounding passage is quite lengthy but worth the read! I'm planning to write a post about this topic, so perhaps I'll include the whole thing.
Anyway, I love your writing. I've subscribed and am looking forward to what comes next. 💚
Just the other day a server asked us the same thing when we admitted to being married for 43 years (and counting). We gave her the same answers you did, but I like your husband’s answer a lot. We’re together 24 x 7. We even text each other from the two rooms apart.
The pandemic changed us into true partners. He gives me the space to write and is my caregiver. (I’m disabled and there are some things I can’t do.) I’m the source of comfort and the tamer of fussy cats.
And yes, after all these years, we still find each other interesting.
Yes I think his answer was MUCH better. He is a retired economist, like you. If you are interested, I wrote it post about all the responses to this note.
Oops. We are going in circles - all my fault. I thought you were responding to the original note, which is having a second lease of life today. In fact, this is the post I was referring you to. I am not very clever with all these comments and notes. Much more comfortable with writing posts in the first place.
Thanks for this - it prompted me to reply, at last, to your post on Fun (which I restacked). I think from the start I was intrigued by my partner (what she brought that was missing in me), but that grew over decades into a deeper respect and appreciation.
Well, that’s my accomplishment for the day. I can now lie around and feel good. Actually, I need to do some weeding, but you have made me feel very pleased.
Watching my neice with her quite new boyfriend, when he told her 'I love talking to you' my brother quipped, 'and listening?' he assured us all there, listening in 'even more so - all of the above' I thought, he's a keeper.
I would say that there’s always more to discover about each other as you grow over the years. I’m single so if I get married, I’ll find out if I’m right. My grandparents have been happily married for 65 years and my parents for 32.
Well finding your partner or spouse interesting isn’t something you can work on, unfortunately. You either do or you don’t. But I hope the idea is helpful.
I have a HUGE smile on my face, and a beautiful warm feeling bursting through my heart. I loved every word of this, Ann. Curiosity is a super-power and I am so happy to see it listed throughout this post. Listening deeply without judgment is another, and I get the sense that is behind multiple comments. Well done on going viral and your new subscribers - it's so well deserved!!
Thank you for such a lovely comment, full of joy at my words and those of others. My husband asked me if I got a good response to this post and I can honestly say it is not the largest response, but it is the most… (oh dear, I realise I am stuck for words, can’t do that in this place-for-words) bursting full of enthusiasm and joy. There is doubtless a good word for that but it isn’t coming out of my brain at the moment. But you know what I mean.
To me, it was the heartfelt sound of people being touched in a deep way - relishing the joy in their own relationships and the relationships of others. We often don't think about what is working well, and having the opportunity to do so brings out the best in each of us. I loved hearing the happy marriage stories from you and those who responded. Your story and the response snippets you shared are filled with goodness.
I like that. It seems very obvious, yet loads of people don’t get it and think that ‘once we are married’, the other person can be changed. Marriage is partly learning to live with/like/love all the parts of the ‘as is’ and not just the parts that you fell in love with in the first place.
Thank you for reminding us that love isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s two people talking in the hallway about everything and nothing, and never running out of things to say. Now that is viral-worthy.
Thanks, Wendy. I liked it, too - not because it was about me, but because it put in beautiful simplicity something that isn’t always said. It seems to have struck a chord with people, which is pleasing.
Very nicely told Ann, thank you. I love the emphasis at the end on 'curiosity'. So important. Without that, any relationship could end up being quite boring!
Thanks, Jane. The whole thing has gone from a small comment on one person’s site to a Big Thing. But I think it is right and not often put in that way. Best wishes for your new marriage - perhaps no longer all that new!
Yes, marriage IS lovely and must be especially so when you had been widowed and presumably thought you would never find someone again. My husband and I are very keen to reassure the other that we should find someone new as soon as possible if the other died, although in our mid-80s, it feels a bit unlikely.
You never know though. That’s the thing - his grief affects each person is so different. But I’m delighted youve had that conversation. It’s an important one.
I am delighted that I found you after seeing your initial post, and it's so fun to read the events that followed. Seeing your note feels like synchronicity, because I have just been texting on this topic with my wife, who is taking care of her mother with dementia in another state - since last April! While chatting with her and intensely feeling my love and appreciation for her, I was reminded of a passage by Khalil Gibran about marriage that we used in our wedding ceremony. He captured a quality that I could not truly understand or embody in our 23 years together, until now, having spent the last year apart and flourishing both individually and as a couple.
He said, "It is a question in marriage, to my feeling, not of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow. A togetherness between two people is an impossibility, and where it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a reciprocal agreement which robs either one party or both of his fullest freedom and development. But, once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!
"Therefore this too must be the standard for rejection or choice: whether one is willing to stand guard over the solitude of a person and whether one is inclined to set this same person at the gate of one’s own solitude, of which he learns only through that which steps, festively clothed, out of the great darkness."
The rest of the surrounding passage is quite lengthy but worth the read! I'm planning to write a post about this topic, so perhaps I'll include the whole thing.
Anyway, I love your writing. I've subscribed and am looking forward to what comes next. 💚
Just the other day a server asked us the same thing when we admitted to being married for 43 years (and counting). We gave her the same answers you did, but I like your husband’s answer a lot. We’re together 24 x 7. We even text each other from the two rooms apart.
The pandemic changed us into true partners. He gives me the space to write and is my caregiver. (I’m disabled and there are some things I can’t do.) I’m the source of comfort and the tamer of fussy cats.
And yes, after all these years, we still find each other interesting.
Yes I think his answer was MUCH better. He is a retired economist, like you. If you are interested, I wrote it post about all the responses to this note.
Sure. Let me know how to find it.
Oops. We are going in circles - all my fault. I thought you were responding to the original note, which is having a second lease of life today. In fact, this is the post I was referring you to. I am not very clever with all these comments and notes. Much more comfortable with writing posts in the first place.
No worries!
Thanks for this - it prompted me to reply, at last, to your post on Fun (which I restacked). I think from the start I was intrigued by my partner (what she brought that was missing in me), but that grew over decades into a deeper respect and appreciation.
Sounds good. Have you read Encounter in Rome, where my husband finds himself unexpectedly trying to define love? See https://arichardson.substack.com/p/encounter-in-rome
Wow, no I hadn’t read that one. I suddenly feel I may have found a kindred spirit!
Thank you Ann. This post made me feel warm & cosy, and helped me realise why I love my wife so much. X
Well, that’s my accomplishment for the day. I can now lie around and feel good. Actually, I need to do some weeding, but you have made me feel very pleased.
Watching my neice with her quite new boyfriend, when he told her 'I love talking to you' my brother quipped, 'and listening?' he assured us all there, listening in 'even more so - all of the above' I thought, he's a keeper.
YES !!
I would say that there’s always more to discover about each other as you grow over the years. I’m single so if I get married, I’ll find out if I’m right. My grandparents have been happily married for 65 years and my parents for 32.
Your parents and grandparents have given you a good vision for the future, Sakari. All good luck to you.
She is right...my attention span and low boredom threshold failed me 3 times :D
I can see why the note went viral! Many of us are looking for ways to maintain our long term relationship. :)
Well finding your partner or spouse interesting isn’t something you can work on, unfortunately. You either do or you don’t. But I hope the idea is helpful.
I have a HUGE smile on my face, and a beautiful warm feeling bursting through my heart. I loved every word of this, Ann. Curiosity is a super-power and I am so happy to see it listed throughout this post. Listening deeply without judgment is another, and I get the sense that is behind multiple comments. Well done on going viral and your new subscribers - it's so well deserved!!
Thank you for such a lovely comment, full of joy at my words and those of others. My husband asked me if I got a good response to this post and I can honestly say it is not the largest response, but it is the most… (oh dear, I realise I am stuck for words, can’t do that in this place-for-words) bursting full of enthusiasm and joy. There is doubtless a good word for that but it isn’t coming out of my brain at the moment. But you know what I mean.
To me, it was the heartfelt sound of people being touched in a deep way - relishing the joy in their own relationships and the relationships of others. We often don't think about what is working well, and having the opportunity to do so brings out the best in each of us. I loved hearing the happy marriage stories from you and those who responded. Your story and the response snippets you shared are filled with goodness.
YOU are filled with goodness!
Awww…that is so nice. Thank you, Ann!
I liked that viral Note. Hubby and I are going on 34 years. An old friend once mentioned the perfect advice for success. “Marriage is an as-is sale.”
Laughter, communication, best friends, true appreciation of each other… easy peasy.
I like that. It seems very obvious, yet loads of people don’t get it and think that ‘once we are married’, the other person can be changed. Marriage is partly learning to live with/like/love all the parts of the ‘as is’ and not just the parts that you fell in love with in the first place.
Thank you for reminding us that love isn’t always loud. Sometimes, it’s two people talking in the hallway about everything and nothing, and never running out of things to say. Now that is viral-worthy.
Thank you for your contribution. You have a lovely way with words.
I loved your husband's comment about finding you interesting. That really is key!
Great to read your round-up of the responses here, thanks, Ann.
Thanks, Wendy. I liked it, too - not because it was about me, but because it put in beautiful simplicity something that isn’t always said. It seems to have struck a chord with people, which is pleasing.
Very nicely told Ann, thank you. I love the emphasis at the end on 'curiosity'. So important. Without that, any relationship could end up being quite boring!
Thanks, Jane. The whole thing has gone from a small comment on one person’s site to a Big Thing. But I think it is right and not often put in that way. Best wishes for your new marriage - perhaps no longer all that new!
We will have been married 5 years in Sept! And it’s been wonderful so far. Just brilliant. I feel very blessed
Yes, marriage IS lovely and must be especially so when you had been widowed and presumably thought you would never find someone again. My husband and I are very keen to reassure the other that we should find someone new as soon as possible if the other died, although in our mid-80s, it feels a bit unlikely.
You never know though. That’s the thing - his grief affects each person is so different. But I’m delighted youve had that conversation. It’s an important one.
Delightful post! So happy that bright, happy marriage note went viral.
Love this Ann. There’s hope for us all! ❤️
I enjoyed this so very much. Thank you❣️