I so recognise this phenomenon in my family. My father, who was incredibly hard on us growing up, is now a doting grandfather to my two nephews. It's lovely to watch in some ways, and heartbreaking in others. Thanks for naming this and giving me a moment to reflect on this.
I was a bit nervous writing this and wondered whether it would resonate with anyone, but I am pleased to say it has. I agree that the phenomenon is somehow rather bitter-sweet.
I’ve never looked at making amends through this lens, but wow, did it land. In 2020, my 30ish year marriage came to an end. Forgiving him -and even more so, forgiving myself-has been a big part of my recovery work. At the time, I believed I’d made amends to my ex through apologies mostly, but also through actions. It was too late however, in part due to a lot of ambivalence, on both of our parts. In my current committed relationship, i definitely see myself “making amends” to my new partner. I can’t make them to my former one. So bittersweet, but forward is the only way to move. Thank you so much for this thoughtful wisdom.
It took place in a hospital room. "I regret that I neglected you for the business," my mother confesses. I am drawn speechless. Yes, I grew up in a home attached to a business, and, yes, when the phone rang my stay-at-home-is-the-workplace mom had to answer it. Letting the phone go unanswered meant potentially losing income. But I felt no loss. That was the way it was and all that I knew.
This took place many years ago, I was a young mom of a four year old. I stayed at home with him, and my workplace was away on evenings and weekends. It was likely at that same time when the two of us played games together that it become real to me that I had no memories of playing with my mom. I had an older sister, and when she was in school, I had my own imagination, time to dance and draw, and a fenced in yard. My mother was there to teach me to stitch and sew, and those are still my creative outlet today, even using generations of handed down needles and fabrics.
Come to be the next generation, I understand the loving ease of being a grandmother. When long overnight stays time for more care, I can channel back to the past and ask how did I get the cooking and cleaning done with a child? Where was the energy for spousal relationships or self-fulfillment? Is this why my house wasn't as tidy, and why is my insurance card still sitting here four days later?
I have no lasting regrets or need to make amends to my children. I never held my mother guilty for lack of love and care. We balance the time and care with the mastery and framework of the present moment. Only with the perspective of time do we notice the flaws, the missing brushstrokes that left the canvas bare. As for my part, the art is still as beautiful as it could be.
I love all your down to earth advice and stories.
Thank you so much. It's always a pleasure to hear from an enthusiastic reader.
I so recognise this phenomenon in my family. My father, who was incredibly hard on us growing up, is now a doting grandfather to my two nephews. It's lovely to watch in some ways, and heartbreaking in others. Thanks for naming this and giving me a moment to reflect on this.
I was a bit nervous writing this and wondered whether it would resonate with anyone, but I am pleased to say it has. I agree that the phenomenon is somehow rather bitter-sweet.
I’ve never looked at making amends through this lens, but wow, did it land. In 2020, my 30ish year marriage came to an end. Forgiving him -and even more so, forgiving myself-has been a big part of my recovery work. At the time, I believed I’d made amends to my ex through apologies mostly, but also through actions. It was too late however, in part due to a lot of ambivalence, on both of our parts. In my current committed relationship, i definitely see myself “making amends” to my new partner. I can’t make them to my former one. So bittersweet, but forward is the only way to move. Thank you so much for this thoughtful wisdom.
Thank you. Relationships can get themselves into a tangle, but as you say 'forward is the only way to move. Good luck.
It took place in a hospital room. "I regret that I neglected you for the business," my mother confesses. I am drawn speechless. Yes, I grew up in a home attached to a business, and, yes, when the phone rang my stay-at-home-is-the-workplace mom had to answer it. Letting the phone go unanswered meant potentially losing income. But I felt no loss. That was the way it was and all that I knew.
This took place many years ago, I was a young mom of a four year old. I stayed at home with him, and my workplace was away on evenings and weekends. It was likely at that same time when the two of us played games together that it become real to me that I had no memories of playing with my mom. I had an older sister, and when she was in school, I had my own imagination, time to dance and draw, and a fenced in yard. My mother was there to teach me to stitch and sew, and those are still my creative outlet today, even using generations of handed down needles and fabrics.
Come to be the next generation, I understand the loving ease of being a grandmother. When long overnight stays time for more care, I can channel back to the past and ask how did I get the cooking and cleaning done with a child? Where was the energy for spousal relationships or self-fulfillment? Is this why my house wasn't as tidy, and why is my insurance card still sitting here four days later?
I have no lasting regrets or need to make amends to my children. I never held my mother guilty for lack of love and care. We balance the time and care with the mastery and framework of the present moment. Only with the perspective of time do we notice the flaws, the missing brushstrokes that left the canvas bare. As for my part, the art is still as beautiful as it could be.
You sound a very balanced person. Someone must have done the right thing! May all good things happen for you.