Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and thought-provoking post, Ann. The emotions you’ve captured are so raw and relatable, and your exploration of the complexity of parental love is incredibly moving. Your work sheds light on experiences that many might not fully grasp, and it does so with such warmth and humanity. I was deeply struck by this mother’s ability to express, with such clarity, the challenges of 'letting go' on every level - mind, body, spirit and soul. Truly remarkable!
I have been very lucky in the research I have undertaken in my life, many of the most interesting fell into my lap or turned out to be much more interesting than expected.
The ‘letting go’ project, carried out when they were closing down the long stay hospitals, was initially intended to be about what sorts of housing arrangements parents with grown up kids would want. We did discuss this but we soon realised from the interviews that the BIG issue wasn’t housing but letting them go.
There were some very elderly parents who had done nothing about the issue ( if I remember correctly, the oldest ‘children’ were close to 60!). And there was one couple who insisted on being interviewed separately, both were deeply worried about what would happen when they died but they had NEVER discussed it together. Makes me weep just thinking about it.
My talent lay in finding a way to write this all up in a sensitive way. I didn’t do the interviews which requires much more skill than I have (you must know this as a therapist).
I will always remember that we asked the interviewer after her first interview , how long did it take? She said about 90 minutes plus another 90 minutes sitting with my arm around her. The interviewer was in her sixties and one of the best in the uk.
Well, from the reaction you had to other pieces I have written, I thought you would like it. With a colleague, I did a study of this whole issue and we were frequently close to tears. This mother was wonderfully articulate, but they were all struggling with the same issues. Reading it again after many years, I see more clearly how 'Letting Go' (which is what we titled the book) is part of all our lives, but for most of us, it happens naturally and in these parents case, they have to fight so much to make it happen. Back in the late 80s, I went to "40 Minutes" (remember that?) and convinced them to make a programme on the subject, which they did with great sensitivity.
Your experiences are so moving, Ann. It’s incredible how your work sheds light on such a deeply emotional topic, and how wonderful that the BBC and "40 Minutes" were able to create a programme with such care. It sounds like you captured their hearts.
My cousin’s son is severely disabled both physically and mentally. It’s wasn’t expected he would live past childhood but he is close to 50 now and she has never made arrangements for him. He lives with his father and they share care but both are aging and neither is in good health. She clings to the hope that she will outlive him, but what if she doesn’t? I’m happy for this woman that she had the courage to “let go” both for her son and herself. I dread the end facing my cousin and her son.
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your cousin who seems to be caught in the classic bind – having tried all their lives to do the right thing, they must know it isn't right any more. When we interviewed parents, sometimes we interviewed them separately and found that each one was worried out of their minds but hadn't had the courage to raise it with the other. The most important person is the 50 year old son who may have a long life in front of him. If. you think this article would be of any help to your cousin, feel free to share it, but I know it is difficult to intervene where families are already troubled. (I personally had a cousin my age with learning disabilities, but he had moved out of the parental home and died some five or so years ago.) I wish them the best of luck in finding a solution.
Doesn't she just. And never feels sorry for herself. One of the privileges of doing the kind of research I did was to find people like that and give them a voice.
So moving. So truthful. I’m so glad that things worked out as they did for these two. Such a hard life. But ultimately so hopeful. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. All the best.
Yes, very tough. Very humbling. As I said, it was the most moving research I ever did (and I wrote a book on people with AIDS and one on hospice workers)!
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and thought-provoking post, Ann. The emotions you’ve captured are so raw and relatable, and your exploration of the complexity of parental love is incredibly moving. Your work sheds light on experiences that many might not fully grasp, and it does so with such warmth and humanity. I was deeply struck by this mother’s ability to express, with such clarity, the challenges of 'letting go' on every level - mind, body, spirit and soul. Truly remarkable!
I have been very lucky in the research I have undertaken in my life, many of the most interesting fell into my lap or turned out to be much more interesting than expected.
The ‘letting go’ project, carried out when they were closing down the long stay hospitals, was initially intended to be about what sorts of housing arrangements parents with grown up kids would want. We did discuss this but we soon realised from the interviews that the BIG issue wasn’t housing but letting them go.
There were some very elderly parents who had done nothing about the issue ( if I remember correctly, the oldest ‘children’ were close to 60!). And there was one couple who insisted on being interviewed separately, both were deeply worried about what would happen when they died but they had NEVER discussed it together. Makes me weep just thinking about it.
My talent lay in finding a way to write this all up in a sensitive way. I didn’t do the interviews which requires much more skill than I have (you must know this as a therapist).
I will always remember that we asked the interviewer after her first interview , how long did it take? She said about 90 minutes plus another 90 minutes sitting with my arm around her. The interviewer was in her sixties and one of the best in the uk.
What beautiful, heartfelt stories you share, Thank you, Ann.
Well, from the reaction you had to other pieces I have written, I thought you would like it. With a colleague, I did a study of this whole issue and we were frequently close to tears. This mother was wonderfully articulate, but they were all struggling with the same issues. Reading it again after many years, I see more clearly how 'Letting Go' (which is what we titled the book) is part of all our lives, but for most of us, it happens naturally and in these parents case, they have to fight so much to make it happen. Back in the late 80s, I went to "40 Minutes" (remember that?) and convinced them to make a programme on the subject, which they did with great sensitivity.
Your experiences are so moving, Ann. It’s incredible how your work sheds light on such a deeply emotional topic, and how wonderful that the BBC and "40 Minutes" were able to create a programme with such care. It sounds like you captured their hearts.
What a lovely encounter and how kind to tell the little girl her name meant full of curiosity.
Perhaps I should just have told her she was pretty, since that's what girls tend to want to hear, but as you know I always go for the truest approach.
My cousin’s son is severely disabled both physically and mentally. It’s wasn’t expected he would live past childhood but he is close to 50 now and she has never made arrangements for him. He lives with his father and they share care but both are aging and neither is in good health. She clings to the hope that she will outlive him, but what if she doesn’t? I’m happy for this woman that she had the courage to “let go” both for her son and herself. I dread the end facing my cousin and her son.
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear about your cousin who seems to be caught in the classic bind – having tried all their lives to do the right thing, they must know it isn't right any more. When we interviewed parents, sometimes we interviewed them separately and found that each one was worried out of their minds but hadn't had the courage to raise it with the other. The most important person is the 50 year old son who may have a long life in front of him. If. you think this article would be of any help to your cousin, feel free to share it, but I know it is difficult to intervene where families are already troubled. (I personally had a cousin my age with learning disabilities, but he had moved out of the parental home and died some five or so years ago.) I wish them the best of luck in finding a solution.
Good of you to these insights into your past research, Ann. It must be so tough to be in that mother's situation and she describes it so well.
Doesn't she just. And never feels sorry for herself. One of the privileges of doing the kind of research I did was to find people like that and give them a voice.
So moving. So truthful. I’m so glad that things worked out as they did for these two. Such a hard life. But ultimately so hopeful. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. All the best.
Yes, very tough. Very humbling. As I said, it was the most moving research I ever did (and I wrote a book on people with AIDS and one on hospice workers)!
An emotionally supportive column. Well done... once again.
Thanks and thanks for the restack. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think it’s important to remind people of these issues.