How sad to be a person who has never experienced this. You could experience this love of another in so many ways, even if it is not with another person.
You could love an animal, a garden, the birds in your park, a pot plant in this way. You could love a group of strangers who you served once a week at a food distribution centre this way.
I hope this man finds an other whose well-being he cares for to the point of ‘love’ in this lifetime.
I completely agree. My own guess is that this was a very intelligent and possibly wise man (at least he was so assessed by those who appointed him, unless it was a solely political appointment) who had not figured out how to manage his own life. They exist, such people, in all walks of life. And it is sad.
Yes, so sad. We all have our weaknesses, don't we (I know I have many)? It is sad when people's life experiences and character combine to make being able to love another their weakness.
But this man is asking the question, so I have hope that he will find a way to experience this.
Well, this incident happened over ten years ago when he was probably in his early eighties, so who knows where he is. But I hope he pondered on it and at least gave his children an extra hug when he saw them next.
What an incredible interaction, Ann!! I have long been an advocate of conversations with strangers, and this is a profound example of what can come from that. There were gifts for each of you in this conversation. Thank you for sharing it with us!
I don't know about being an advocate of such talks, but I certainly initiate such talks from time to time - in the supermarket queue, on the bus etc. You never know what it will bring, but usually the time is too short for anything interesting. This judge was a heavy hitter in terms of thinking and there was time over a relaxed lunch, so yes. It was a special moment.
The specialness of that interaction shines through.
I feel the need to add a bit of context around my use of the word "advocate." A few years back I read in a few different places that those in generations brought up with phones in their hands were profoundly uncomfortable with one-on-one conversation. They wanted the comfort of being able to better think through responses and even to test out what they propose writing by vetting it with trusted friends. My suggestion has been to try out live conversation with strangers to build the capacity. That said, we need to be mindful of the strangers we interact with, as you and your husband were. Thank you again for sharing this wonderful interaction!
I have not heard that about the phone generation. I think younger people are more wary of strangers in any case. I would be very cautious with anyone who seemed threatening or unbalanced, but on the whole, I am very open and have not yet got into trouble. Only yesterday, I was coming out of my local swimming centre and there was a middle aged man getting on a bike wearing rather strange clothes and his hair was dyed a mixture of red and purple. He saw me looking at him and said something I couldn't hear. Just so he wouldn't think I was going to be negative, I smiled and said 'I like your hair'. He got all bashful and thanked me. As I walked past, I said 'You wouldn't think so, but I stand on my head!'. Good for you, he replied. Two people have a little smile that would not have otherwise happened. Where's the problem?
Yes, it was personal but it was also a stimulating question from what was clearly a thoughtful man – and therefore an interesting challenge. And academics like questions - it's what gets them up in the morning. Me too, although I was never an academic.
I feel now that love is something that develops slowly over time. It requires a period of growing into maturity. If I had to define it, it’s something to do with wanting what is good for my wife – to be willing, if necessary, to sacrifice my own interests in order to help her. Of course, I may also benefit from doing that, but I would do it even if I didn’t. I want – very deeply – for her to be happy and fulfilled.
The only difference in my 57 year love life is I loved her from day one! It was, I suspect mutual.Thank you for making me come to that conclusion.
That's great, Gene, that you felt it from day one, but very unusual as it takes so much time to get to know one another deeply. It's nice to meet other long happily married people here.
Yes, it was very odd, but I agree. It was only after we parted that I commented that we didn't know his name. I have no idea what he felt, but somehow he was the catalyst to something very special to us.
What a great story...and it made me look back as well. I think I would have felt the same way your husband did, but don't know if I would have been able to articulate it so eloquently.
Thanks, Linda. It was a very special occasion and a complete surprise. Interestingly, I immediately knew that I wanted to preserve it by writing it down, although there was no Substack back then.
Always a little uncomfortable when tables are that close. It is hard not to have a conversation if there is any sign that the others are interested. But unusual to have one quite like that.
I suspect the gentleman was lonely and recognised that what you two had was easy and special and clearly built on a long acquaintance. In some ways he may have felt lonelier afterwards, but I think it’s nice to know what is possible in a relationship. So sad that he hadn’t experienced it. So lovely that your husband gave such a thoughtful, considered response.
I think my Dad would have said something similar about my Mum. Maybe that’s why I never married, because I was looking for something that doesn’t even exist until a couple has been together for many years.
Thank you for your thoughts, Beth, which make me a bit sad for you, but you seem a strong person from your comments over time. Interestingly, I did wonder when my children were approaching marriage whether coming from two loving parents was a help or a hindrance, but never gave voice to that thought until now.
I love being just me. Definitely no need for sadness. I live a very full, happy and well-connected life in a wonderful village. We all find joy and different sorts of love in many ways. I’m so glad that you and I are both so happy with how our lives have turned out. Thanks and All the best. 🤗🤗
Who knows, Wendy. He made it to his country's Supreme Court (which I believe) and was presumably a big lawyer with his eye on the prize. Hard to be too involved with a wife and a pile of children in those circumstances. Some people do manage, but not many.
Your husband’s answer is wise and instructive. Wish I’d read it before marrying. But I didn’t think I had anything to learn from old folks, and we figured out the truth by trial and error.
I wonder what you - or I - would have done if we had read it before marrying. Yes, I agree you couldn't learn anything from OLD people, what did they know? But even if we believed it, would it have stopped us in our tracks? I don't think so. We can but smile and ponder on how little we knew.
How sad to be a person who has never experienced this. You could experience this love of another in so many ways, even if it is not with another person.
You could love an animal, a garden, the birds in your park, a pot plant in this way. You could love a group of strangers who you served once a week at a food distribution centre this way.
I hope this man finds an other whose well-being he cares for to the point of ‘love’ in this lifetime.
I completely agree. My own guess is that this was a very intelligent and possibly wise man (at least he was so assessed by those who appointed him, unless it was a solely political appointment) who had not figured out how to manage his own life. They exist, such people, in all walks of life. And it is sad.
Yes, so sad. We all have our weaknesses, don't we (I know I have many)? It is sad when people's life experiences and character combine to make being able to love another their weakness.
But this man is asking the question, so I have hope that he will find a way to experience this.
Well, this incident happened over ten years ago when he was probably in his early eighties, so who knows where he is. But I hope he pondered on it and at least gave his children an extra hug when he saw them next.
What an incredible interaction, Ann!! I have long been an advocate of conversations with strangers, and this is a profound example of what can come from that. There were gifts for each of you in this conversation. Thank you for sharing it with us!
I don't know about being an advocate of such talks, but I certainly initiate such talks from time to time - in the supermarket queue, on the bus etc. You never know what it will bring, but usually the time is too short for anything interesting. This judge was a heavy hitter in terms of thinking and there was time over a relaxed lunch, so yes. It was a special moment.
The specialness of that interaction shines through.
I feel the need to add a bit of context around my use of the word "advocate." A few years back I read in a few different places that those in generations brought up with phones in their hands were profoundly uncomfortable with one-on-one conversation. They wanted the comfort of being able to better think through responses and even to test out what they propose writing by vetting it with trusted friends. My suggestion has been to try out live conversation with strangers to build the capacity. That said, we need to be mindful of the strangers we interact with, as you and your husband were. Thank you again for sharing this wonderful interaction!
I have not heard that about the phone generation. I think younger people are more wary of strangers in any case. I would be very cautious with anyone who seemed threatening or unbalanced, but on the whole, I am very open and have not yet got into trouble. Only yesterday, I was coming out of my local swimming centre and there was a middle aged man getting on a bike wearing rather strange clothes and his hair was dyed a mixture of red and purple. He saw me looking at him and said something I couldn't hear. Just so he wouldn't think I was going to be negative, I smiled and said 'I like your hair'. He got all bashful and thanked me. As I walked past, I said 'You wouldn't think so, but I stand on my head!'. Good for you, he replied. Two people have a little smile that would not have otherwise happened. Where's the problem?
Two people having a little smile is a beautiful thing!!
I'm not sure I would have answered such a personal question from a stranger. Bravo to your husband for doing so, and for doing it so eloquently.
Yes, it was personal but it was also a stimulating question from what was clearly a thoughtful man – and therefore an interesting challenge. And academics like questions - it's what gets them up in the morning. Me too, although I was never an academic.
Lovely. A good morning read for certain. Thank you.
Thank you, Melina.
I feel now that love is something that develops slowly over time. It requires a period of growing into maturity. If I had to define it, it’s something to do with wanting what is good for my wife – to be willing, if necessary, to sacrifice my own interests in order to help her. Of course, I may also benefit from doing that, but I would do it even if I didn’t. I want – very deeply – for her to be happy and fulfilled.
The only difference in my 57 year love life is I loved her from day one! It was, I suspect mutual.Thank you for making me come to that conclusion.
That's great, Gene, that you felt it from day one, but very unusual as it takes so much time to get to know one another deeply. It's nice to meet other long happily married people here.
shaking hands was the perfect ending
Yes, it was very odd, but I agree. It was only after we parted that I commented that we didn't know his name. I have no idea what he felt, but somehow he was the catalyst to something very special to us.
What a great story...and it made me look back as well. I think I would have felt the same way your husband did, but don't know if I would have been able to articulate it so eloquently.
Thanks, Linda. It was a very special occasion and a complete surprise. Interestingly, I immediately knew that I wanted to preserve it by writing it down, although there was no Substack back then.
I'm glad you did!
Always a little uncomfortable when tables are that close. It is hard not to have a conversation if there is any sign that the others are interested. But unusual to have one quite like that.
I suspect the gentleman was lonely and recognised that what you two had was easy and special and clearly built on a long acquaintance. In some ways he may have felt lonelier afterwards, but I think it’s nice to know what is possible in a relationship. So sad that he hadn’t experienced it. So lovely that your husband gave such a thoughtful, considered response.
I think my Dad would have said something similar about my Mum. Maybe that’s why I never married, because I was looking for something that doesn’t even exist until a couple has been together for many years.
A lovely story. Thanks so much.
Thank you for your thoughts, Beth, which make me a bit sad for you, but you seem a strong person from your comments over time. Interestingly, I did wonder when my children were approaching marriage whether coming from two loving parents was a help or a hindrance, but never gave voice to that thought until now.
I love being just me. Definitely no need for sadness. I live a very full, happy and well-connected life in a wonderful village. We all find joy and different sorts of love in many ways. I’m so glad that you and I are both so happy with how our lives have turned out. Thanks and All the best. 🤗🤗
I am very happy to hear it.
Your husband’s answer was very touching, Anna. I wonder what the other man’s experience of love was.
Who knows, Wendy. He made it to his country's Supreme Court (which I believe) and was presumably a big lawyer with his eye on the prize. Hard to be too involved with a wife and a pile of children in those circumstances. Some people do manage, but not many.
Your husband’s answer is wise and instructive. Wish I’d read it before marrying. But I didn’t think I had anything to learn from old folks, and we figured out the truth by trial and error.
I wonder what you - or I - would have done if we had read it before marrying. Yes, I agree you couldn't learn anything from OLD people, what did they know? But even if we believed it, would it have stopped us in our tracks? I don't think so. We can but smile and ponder on how little we knew.
This is lovely and states precisely what is a loving and thoughtful answer, sincere and well-meant. Thank you.
Yes, I thought so, too. Even the part about not loving me early on. Thanks so much for the restack.