Pet peeve ! I’m uncomfortably direct whenever someone refers to me as “dear” or “honey “ I immediately with a certain je ne sais quoi “my name is… “. I make an exception if I’m in the South. It’s polite and has a lovely ring tone 👍🎵🎵
I loathe being called dear, hon, sweetie, young lady. Context matters but in most instances in my part of the world the terms are not used colloquially.
Thank you. The infantilizing of old people angers me. A waiter once addressed me and my friend as “young ladies.” I told him that calling us that only emphasized our ages. He looked bewildered.
I'm only 48, I abhor it when anyone calls me "dear", I correct them. While everyone's boundaries on how they're addressed will be different, I loathe that most women have such a hard time setting the most reasonable boundaries regardless. It's a practice though, the more you do it the easier it gets. Now (many years into this practice with a plethora of therapy) I'm quite good at telling people how I will and won't be treated in a myriad of ways, lol! Some people don't like it at all and that's fine because I don't want people in my life who have a difficult time respecting even simple boundaries (RED FLAG!!). When you won't tolerate being disrespected you may lose some people, but the ones who remain are the gems and life becomes far more peaceful.
My preferred term of endearment is "love", works for everyone and I've never had anyone say they don't like it!! 💙 Hello love, or loves, or lovers!! 🥰
I’m not sure how I feel about this, as I can certainly understand the author’s POV. It’s just that I’m from the south (USA) and terms of endearment roll off my tongue as easy as counting. It’s never EVER out of disrespect or to talk down (well, unless it’s “bless her/his heart”, yeah that one is not usually a real blessing 😏). Of course I’m also a boomer so the gens before me were quick to use the “dearie”, “honey”, “sweetie”. For me, it’s always been used as a way to be polite & friendly in passing.Now that I think about it my kids (specifically my daughter) never uses these terms. Hmmmm…maybe she sees them as negative. Well now I just have to go call her & discuss!!
Yes, it's definitely different in the south, where I've traveled often. I will never again ask a southerner not to call me "dear." There's just no bridging that gap.
I have lived in the south for 73 years and no one has ever called me dear or young lady that I remember, except when I was actually a young lady and my mother used it as a warning. However, the use of ma’am is rampant and I hate it! Honey is ok if I’m at Waffle House but don’t use it anywhere else unless you want to suffer the consequences. Now I kind of hope someone will call me dear so I can say, “I’m sorry I didn’t remember that we had slept together, but since you called me dear we must have!”
I checked in for a doctor's appointment and the receptionist, a young man, called me "hon". I told him I was Mrs. ______, and the only person I allowed to call me Hon was my late husband. He looked like I had just slapped him. I'm in my 60's and don't want that kind of familiarity.
God help anyone who calls me ma’am. I used to say, no woman under the age of 80 likes to be called ma’am, but now I say, no woman like to be called ma’am. It’s education, I’m really doing them a favour. I witnessed a lot of condescending elder speak towards my mother, and even my aunt who is 75 but will kick your ass at the gym any day of the week. I will not be having it.
I'm 63 and don't mind being called dear, for some reason, but honey is a bit odd except from a grizzled diner waitress. My friend who is 83 often gets "young lady" and sometimes at her doctor's appts, "good girl, " and we both cringe; I think either one of those directed to your elder is awfully condescending.
Oh my goodness! I’m in my 60s. I went through a phase where I called everyone sweetie and these days I’m definitely likely to say ‘my dear’ or ‘dear Myrtle’, ‘dear Anna’ etc. It’s never meant to be condescending, it’s an expression of warmth and love!
I must admit I heard a friend use an endearment to a young server yesterday and wondered what they’d feel about it. These things rarely come from a nasty place, but a bite or two from the recipient at least reminds us that not everyone feels the same about these little terms. Hmmmm…. Thanks so much for the food for thought. Sending gentle (and possibly unwanted?) hugs and best wishes.
There are those who hate all these endearments from strangers (clearly, a lot of them from the responses here) and those who don't mind, like me, who take them to be innocent expressions of warmth. Nice to hear from someone who actually gives them!
This is so interesting. I'll take warmth in any form I can get, so an endearment that is meant to convey sincere warmth, including from a stranger, generally makes me happy. However, I suspect that people who use endearments in that way use them across the board, not distinguishing by age or gender. Having them used in the way described here, in the absence of other indicators of intention to convey warmth and conne tion, even only brief conne tion, would feel designed to diminish in all the ways that this sets out so well, and I would likely not respond well to it.
I cannot conceive of being addressed as ”young lady” by a stranger, especially one who was younger than me, and would likely not let it pass.
Am putting this all in the hypothetical because it doesn't really come up where I live.
But I used to stop 20-something colleagues when they referred to themselves or their friends as ”girls” and ask them to switch their language to ”women” because something about ”girl” pained my ears. I'm sure it irritated them. But it sounded as though they were diminishing themselves, and it was hard to hear.
Have you ever noticed that women are reluctant to refer to themselves as such and tend to use 'ladies' instead? That annoys me! I was recently called 'young lady' by a guy about my own age (82) with a warm smile and it just seemed nice. I do wonder sometimes if I am just missing something, but I just like warm comments from strangers.
”Lady” is such an interesting one! I've felt it shift in my adult lifetime, from a word that felt fine, and maybe even nice, to a word that I almost never use anymore. When I was young ”the lady who lives up the street” was perfectly normal, but now I would say ”the woman who lives up the street.” Is it the same with you! It must be it one of those changes in language that had a movement behind it: I vaguely remember campaigns to stop calling bathrooms ”ladies' rooms.” However, I don't remember conscipusly dropping the word in response to that then; it just sort of happened.
On the nice encounter — I really do think it's all in the warmth! And also the sense that the person uses terms like that across the board. That is, could it be that it felt nice because it was clear that he was expressing a joke and an experience, and might have done something similar with a man too (in different language — eg something like ”we young guys”), rather than intending to dismiss —?
I talk about something a bit similar, come to think of it, in an essay (discussing the word ”tant” as used in a short story by the Finnish writer Tove Jansson).
As I remember it, there was a twinkle in his eye. I am a sucker for anyone with a friendly manner and a twinkle in their eye. There is something pleasing in the non-dangerous mild flirtation (my husband does that with lots of women - my friends, saleswomen, women at border crossings - and he always leaves a smile.)
Yes, it is the same with me re 'lady' and 'woman'. So much nuance in all this.
I struggle to imagine Swedes getting into the "young lady" thing. Your observation about younger colleagues reminded me of the time I reproved a female resident at emerge for introducing herself by her first name and not as "Dr." I have never heard a male resident call himself anything but "Dr."
(By the way, I assumed that ”emerge” means ”emergency room” and we're talking about medical doctors! I realize that it could be a residency called Emerge and we're talking PhDs, in which case case my reply would be different…)
In that case, where the use of the title is to reassure the patient, it's essential, and I agree with you compleyekt. In other situations, there are times when using a first name instead of the title actually projects more power — but that's a long conversation 😊. This was so well-written, and thought-provoking, and made me enraged on behalf of everyone who experiences forms of dismissiveness disguised as friendliness. I don't blame the endearments per se — but the underlying attitude, yikes.
Bravo! I hate bringing called endearments by people who don’t realize I am a Named creature. Told gatekeepers that they could call me Susan, Ms, Shwartz or Dr. Shwartz, but I was not dear or sweetie. And I told a nurse not to mommy at me.
I think it can be done condescendingly, but it can also be done with warmth by people who are rushed off their feet and don't have the time to learn everyone's name. The receptionist in my GP's surgery calls all callers 'my lovely' and it's hard to get angry at that.
I agree, if done with warmth and if it’s that person’s manner with everyone it’s perfectly acceptable. As a teacher I have no problem being called by my name, it’s mine after all. I prefer that, to the horrendous ‘teacher/profe’ that prevails here. That’s my job, what I do, not who I am.
Terms such as ‘young lady’ (which would be señorita here) are if nothing else outdated and patriarchal labelling of lessers in age/status/experience and as such have no place, I hope, in our society nowadays.
I’m in a bit of a quandary because I’m guilty of this behavior. I have heard myself calling salespeople “dear” or “honey” and even “darling” which is really over the top. And here on Substack I address everyone by their first names (which someone seemed to take an exception to). Let’s just say I’m effusive, and I definitely dislike being addressed formally, especially as an old woman who has been married quite a few times—only changed my name the first time, then reverted to “maiden” name ever after. Still smarting from the fact that Mr. never denotes marital status. I’m a Ms. Magazine subscriber since its inception, but things haven’t really changed for us. I definitely dislike being called “young lady” which I take as a pejorative because I believe we improve with age.
A person who objects to being called by their first name will face constant irritation in this age of informality. And I’m with you on improving with age.
I am the opposite of you and never address anyone by any word other than their name – and often not even that because I have a lousy memory. I don't even use 'darling' or anything else for my husband of 60 years. Just never have! I don't like being addressed by my first name by a complete stranger, which i think is a generational thing. And although I have a PhD, I am constantly taken aback when I am addressed as 'Dr'.
To each her own, I say. And I forgot to mention that I have never called myself a lady, nor do I ascribe to ladylike behavior. We are all humans muddling through and hopefully spreading the love!
I think endearments are quite common in UK society - dear, m’dear, lovie, hen, quine,, loon etc (those last 3 are particular to Scotland) and I’ve never really minded. Although in my UK experience it was generally from elders to juniors. Here in Spain it is common to refer to others in a “diminutive” way in many situations e.g. regardless of age or relationship hija/hijo (daughter/son - even if they are not yours) tia /tío (more guy/gal than aunt/uncle which is their real intention). The most often used and often seen as condescending by the receiver are chica/chico (lass/lad) which when used to describe or refer to a 30-something worker ‘el chico del almacén’ (the storeroom lad) must only be taken as undermining that persons experience or status!
In the end it’s always personal choice whether you take offence or not.
Although I do remember being a little miffed the first time I was referred to as señora nor señorita…hey ho…
As i said at the end of the post, I am with you. I think it is often done more with warmth than with any intention of being patronising. But when I do feel patronised, then I DO get very cross.
I absolutely share your point of view. And, with some exceptions (it’s often about context), I am much more fierce (?) in my responses. A witty retort does the trick….
Pet peeve ! I’m uncomfortably direct whenever someone refers to me as “dear” or “honey “ I immediately with a certain je ne sais quoi “my name is… “. I make an exception if I’m in the South. It’s polite and has a lovely ring tone 👍🎵🎵
New peeve, as of today: being addressed as "granny" by someone who was no youngster, and who passed before I could call him "sonny."
I loathe being called dear, hon, sweetie, young lady. Context matters but in most instances in my part of the world the terms are not used colloquially.
Thank you for writing this.
And thank you, Nancy, for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you. The infantilizing of old people angers me. A waiter once addressed me and my friend as “young ladies.” I told him that calling us that only emphasized our ages. He looked bewildered.
Sigh. They think we all want to be young. Or at least younger than we are.
I'm only 48, I abhor it when anyone calls me "dear", I correct them. While everyone's boundaries on how they're addressed will be different, I loathe that most women have such a hard time setting the most reasonable boundaries regardless. It's a practice though, the more you do it the easier it gets. Now (many years into this practice with a plethora of therapy) I'm quite good at telling people how I will and won't be treated in a myriad of ways, lol! Some people don't like it at all and that's fine because I don't want people in my life who have a difficult time respecting even simple boundaries (RED FLAG!!). When you won't tolerate being disrespected you may lose some people, but the ones who remain are the gems and life becomes far more peaceful.
My preferred term of endearment is "love", works for everyone and I've never had anyone say they don't like it!! 💙 Hello love, or loves, or lovers!! 🥰
And hello to you (although I can’t bring myself to call you “love”)!
What admirable restraint.
I’m not sure how I feel about this, as I can certainly understand the author’s POV. It’s just that I’m from the south (USA) and terms of endearment roll off my tongue as easy as counting. It’s never EVER out of disrespect or to talk down (well, unless it’s “bless her/his heart”, yeah that one is not usually a real blessing 😏). Of course I’m also a boomer so the gens before me were quick to use the “dearie”, “honey”, “sweetie”. For me, it’s always been used as a way to be polite & friendly in passing.Now that I think about it my kids (specifically my daughter) never uses these terms. Hmmmm…maybe she sees them as negative. Well now I just have to go call her & discuss!!
Yes, it's definitely different in the south, where I've traveled often. I will never again ask a southerner not to call me "dear." There's just no bridging that gap.
I have lived in the south for 73 years and no one has ever called me dear or young lady that I remember, except when I was actually a young lady and my mother used it as a warning. However, the use of ma’am is rampant and I hate it! Honey is ok if I’m at Waffle House but don’t use it anywhere else unless you want to suffer the consequences. Now I kind of hope someone will call me dear so I can say, “I’m sorry I didn’t remember that we had slept together, but since you called me dear we must have!”
I would love to see that encounter.
Greatest. Response. Ever! Thanks for making my day.
It’s rather similar in many parts of the North of England, although I can’t claim proper expertise on this.
Calling out this belittling stuff is so important. I'm 68 and don't tolerate it at all, even when well meant.
As you see from the comments here, there's a wide range of views. Glad to hear yours.
I checked in for a doctor's appointment and the receptionist, a young man, called me "hon". I told him I was Mrs. ______, and the only person I allowed to call me Hon was my late husband. He looked like I had just slapped him. I'm in my 60's and don't want that kind of familiarity.
Good for you!
Thank you. 😘
God help anyone who calls me ma’am. I used to say, no woman under the age of 80 likes to be called ma’am, but now I say, no woman like to be called ma’am. It’s education, I’m really doing them a favour. I witnessed a lot of condescending elder speak towards my mother, and even my aunt who is 75 but will kick your ass at the gym any day of the week. I will not be having it.
What's wrong with "ma'am"? Where I come from this is basically the only respectful general address for adult women, the counterpart to "sir."
I'm 63 and don't mind being called dear, for some reason, but honey is a bit odd except from a grizzled diner waitress. My friend who is 83 often gets "young lady" and sometimes at her doctor's appts, "good girl, " and we both cringe; I think either one of those directed to your elder is awfully condescending.
"Good girl!" That's what people tell their dogs.
Oh my goodness! I’m in my 60s. I went through a phase where I called everyone sweetie and these days I’m definitely likely to say ‘my dear’ or ‘dear Myrtle’, ‘dear Anna’ etc. It’s never meant to be condescending, it’s an expression of warmth and love!
I must admit I heard a friend use an endearment to a young server yesterday and wondered what they’d feel about it. These things rarely come from a nasty place, but a bite or two from the recipient at least reminds us that not everyone feels the same about these little terms. Hmmmm…. Thanks so much for the food for thought. Sending gentle (and possibly unwanted?) hugs and best wishes.
There are those who hate all these endearments from strangers (clearly, a lot of them from the responses here) and those who don't mind, like me, who take them to be innocent expressions of warmth. Nice to hear from someone who actually gives them!
This is so interesting. I'll take warmth in any form I can get, so an endearment that is meant to convey sincere warmth, including from a stranger, generally makes me happy. However, I suspect that people who use endearments in that way use them across the board, not distinguishing by age or gender. Having them used in the way described here, in the absence of other indicators of intention to convey warmth and conne tion, even only brief conne tion, would feel designed to diminish in all the ways that this sets out so well, and I would likely not respond well to it.
I cannot conceive of being addressed as ”young lady” by a stranger, especially one who was younger than me, and would likely not let it pass.
Am putting this all in the hypothetical because it doesn't really come up where I live.
But I used to stop 20-something colleagues when they referred to themselves or their friends as ”girls” and ask them to switch their language to ”women” because something about ”girl” pained my ears. I'm sure it irritated them. But it sounded as though they were diminishing themselves, and it was hard to hear.
Have you ever noticed that women are reluctant to refer to themselves as such and tend to use 'ladies' instead? That annoys me! I was recently called 'young lady' by a guy about my own age (82) with a warm smile and it just seemed nice. I do wonder sometimes if I am just missing something, but I just like warm comments from strangers.
”Lady” is such an interesting one! I've felt it shift in my adult lifetime, from a word that felt fine, and maybe even nice, to a word that I almost never use anymore. When I was young ”the lady who lives up the street” was perfectly normal, but now I would say ”the woman who lives up the street.” Is it the same with you! It must be it one of those changes in language that had a movement behind it: I vaguely remember campaigns to stop calling bathrooms ”ladies' rooms.” However, I don't remember conscipusly dropping the word in response to that then; it just sort of happened.
On the nice encounter — I really do think it's all in the warmth! And also the sense that the person uses terms like that across the board. That is, could it be that it felt nice because it was clear that he was expressing a joke and an experience, and might have done something similar with a man too (in different language — eg something like ”we young guys”), rather than intending to dismiss —?
I talk about something a bit similar, come to think of it, in an essay (discussing the word ”tant” as used in a short story by the Finnish writer Tove Jansson).
As I remember it, there was a twinkle in his eye. I am a sucker for anyone with a friendly manner and a twinkle in their eye. There is something pleasing in the non-dangerous mild flirtation (my husband does that with lots of women - my friends, saleswomen, women at border crossings - and he always leaves a smile.)
Yes, it is the same with me re 'lady' and 'woman'. So much nuance in all this.
I struggle to imagine Swedes getting into the "young lady" thing. Your observation about younger colleagues reminded me of the time I reproved a female resident at emerge for introducing herself by her first name and not as "Dr." I have never heard a male resident call himself anything but "Dr."
(By the way, I assumed that ”emerge” means ”emergency room” and we're talking about medical doctors! I realize that it could be a residency called Emerge and we're talking PhDs, in which case case my reply would be different…)
Yes, emergency.
Phew 😊
In that case, where the use of the title is to reassure the patient, it's essential, and I agree with you compleyekt. In other situations, there are times when using a first name instead of the title actually projects more power — but that's a long conversation 😊. This was so well-written, and thought-provoking, and made me enraged on behalf of everyone who experiences forms of dismissiveness disguised as friendliness. I don't blame the endearments per se — but the underlying attitude, yikes.
Attitude is all, I think.
Bravo! I hate bringing called endearments by people who don’t realize I am a Named creature. Told gatekeepers that they could call me Susan, Ms, Shwartz or Dr. Shwartz, but I was not dear or sweetie. And I told a nurse not to mommy at me.
I think it can be done condescendingly, but it can also be done with warmth by people who are rushed off their feet and don't have the time to learn everyone's name. The receptionist in my GP's surgery calls all callers 'my lovely' and it's hard to get angry at that.
I agree, if done with warmth and if it’s that person’s manner with everyone it’s perfectly acceptable. As a teacher I have no problem being called by my name, it’s mine after all. I prefer that, to the horrendous ‘teacher/profe’ that prevails here. That’s my job, what I do, not who I am.
Terms such as ‘young lady’ (which would be señorita here) are if nothing else outdated and patriarchal labelling of lessers in age/status/experience and as such have no place, I hope, in our society nowadays.
I just don’t like it.
Fair enough. In the end, it's a matter of taste.
Mommy! Seriously? This is a new low.
They didn’t call me mommy. No ring, see? They just made mommy ish noises with no regard for privacy. I threw them out and complained.
I’m in a bit of a quandary because I’m guilty of this behavior. I have heard myself calling salespeople “dear” or “honey” and even “darling” which is really over the top. And here on Substack I address everyone by their first names (which someone seemed to take an exception to). Let’s just say I’m effusive, and I definitely dislike being addressed formally, especially as an old woman who has been married quite a few times—only changed my name the first time, then reverted to “maiden” name ever after. Still smarting from the fact that Mr. never denotes marital status. I’m a Ms. Magazine subscriber since its inception, but things haven’t really changed for us. I definitely dislike being called “young lady” which I take as a pejorative because I believe we improve with age.
A person who objects to being called by their first name will face constant irritation in this age of informality. And I’m with you on improving with age.
It all comes down to the warmth, or not, I think!
I am the opposite of you and never address anyone by any word other than their name – and often not even that because I have a lousy memory. I don't even use 'darling' or anything else for my husband of 60 years. Just never have! I don't like being addressed by my first name by a complete stranger, which i think is a generational thing. And although I have a PhD, I am constantly taken aback when I am addressed as 'Dr'.
To each her own, I say. And I forgot to mention that I have never called myself a lady, nor do I ascribe to ladylike behavior. We are all humans muddling through and hopefully spreading the love!
Nor me. Nor am I ladylike! I agree with your last sentence, too.
I think endearments are quite common in UK society - dear, m’dear, lovie, hen, quine,, loon etc (those last 3 are particular to Scotland) and I’ve never really minded. Although in my UK experience it was generally from elders to juniors. Here in Spain it is common to refer to others in a “diminutive” way in many situations e.g. regardless of age or relationship hija/hijo (daughter/son - even if they are not yours) tia /tío (more guy/gal than aunt/uncle which is their real intention). The most often used and often seen as condescending by the receiver are chica/chico (lass/lad) which when used to describe or refer to a 30-something worker ‘el chico del almacén’ (the storeroom lad) must only be taken as undermining that persons experience or status!
In the end it’s always personal choice whether you take offence or not.
Although I do remember being a little miffed the first time I was referred to as señora nor señorita…hey ho…
As i said at the end of the post, I am with you. I think it is often done more with warmth than with any intention of being patronising. But when I do feel patronised, then I DO get very cross.
Well, Darienne, I learned three new endearments today (not counting chica/chico). As you say, it's personal.
Wonderful! Love this!
Ann, thank you for inviting me to share this piece of my mind. I wonder what your readers will have to say...
I absolutely share your point of view. And, with some exceptions (it’s often about context), I am much more fierce (?) in my responses. A witty retort does the trick….