In Praise of Niceness

Thought for the Fortnight

Four middle aged men have met up at a party and are discussing the progress of their respective daughters, who are now grown up:

“Mary is doing well with her medical training and she’s planning to go into oncology.”

“Jean has just been promoted in the company she works for.”

“Alison is off to Africa for the small charity she runs.”

“Debbie hasn’t decided what to do, but she’s grown into an extremely nice person.”

We all know they’re not just passing the time, but using their children for a bit of one upmanship. And Debbie’s father got nowhere at all.

There is no premium on being ‘nice’. 

But there should be.

Achievements

In the modern world – and probably the ancient world for that matter – a lot of weight is given to visible achievements. We want to become rich, important and famous and we want our children to do these things, too. Or we want them to do good and to be seen to be doing good.

It doesn’t matter so much what activity they achieve in, as long as they achieve something. 

We say we seek this is because it will make them happy, but I am not so sure. I think it makes us, the parents, feel good. Other things might, in fact, make them equally – or more – happy.   

Attributes

And we pay much less attention – certainly when discussing them with others – to what kind of person they are.

Do they have good values? Are they kind? Do they actively do what they can to help others? In short, are they nice?

Nice people help whenever they can. They know what you want – whether a tangible thing or a bit of assistance – before you ask. They think about people’s needs and they think ahead.

The world is full of nice people, but too often unsung. They will blush to read it (if they do), but both my daughter and my daughter-in-law are very nice people. (They are lots of other things as well, but that’s not the point here.) This is important to me, but it is hard to explain to other people.

There are numerous examples of niceness from people from all walks of life, but you don’t always hear about them, so I will choose some ready examples close to home.

First, my daughter.

Years ago, my husband had a widowed aunt with no children who lived on her own in what seemed like a rather lonely life, although she never complained. My daughter, who was good at such things, always remembered her birthday. But, in addition, she would phone me ahead of time to remind me to send a card, too. I would have forgotten otherwise.

Bingo, two kindnesses at the same time. Or three, depending on how you are counting.

More recently, she has been very attentive to the needs of us, her increasingly aging parents. She not only visits fairly frequently – lots of grown-up children do that – but on her way she stops by a major farmer’s market. She then brings us the provisions (cheeses, fresh parma ham and the like) we used to buy ourselves.

We get the dual pleasure of seeing her and of having a lot of delicious food for the following week.

Second, my daughter-in-law.

She is, it so happens, equally nice but in different ways. She is very knowledgeable about medical matters and so is a go-to person when there is any kind of health problem. But she also has the sensitivity to know just how much information individual family members actually want.

Giving information is easy – giving it with some attention to the needs of the particular recipient requires enormous thoughtfulness.

She also makes the best brownies in the world and some time ago gave us a ‘lifetime subscription’ to them, so that any time we run out, we can order more. I keep them in the freezer, so there is always a ready supply.

And I am especially delighted that both women have brought up their now teenage sons to be caring and nice people. These young men may not even know it now, but this will stand them in good stead in the years to come.

Niceness and emotional intelligence

Some people will say ‘Oh, everyone is nice, so what’s the big deal?’ But this just isn’t so. Many people are much more concerned with their own needs than those of others. They might rise to the challenge on occasion, but they don’t think ahead about the issues in the way that genuinely nice people do.

Following an earlier iteration of this post, it was pointed out that one possible synonym for niceness is ‘emotional intelligence’. This quotation, found on the net, was offered as a way of expanding the term:

“People with emotional intelligence traits are empathetic, tuned in, and perceptive. They have high levels of emotional awareness, self-control, and situational skill. These emotional intelligence traits help them perceive, understand, use, and manage emotions in their personal lives, careers, and other situations.”

In other words, they are nice. Perhaps more than nice. And somehow, the term adds cachet to the concept.

It is time that real niceness is duly acknowledged and treated seriously as an attribute of note – not something ‘extra’ of minimal importance. Nor – worse – denigrated as a form of weakness (‘My sister is too nice’).

Quite a few years ago, I was talking to my daughter about her qualities. When I spoke enthusiastically about her niceness, she immediately reacted that this characteristic was not worth talking about. It sounded boring and pallid, she felt. Nothing to be proud of.

I searched for other words – ‘caring’, ‘thoughtful of other people’s needs’, ‘kind’.  This got us a bit further, but I wasn’t sure she was convinced. She had clearly internalised the general view that being ‘nice’ wasn’t an important quality. The term ‘emotional intelligence’ wasn’t much used then.

Niceness is one of those things that is difficult to specify precisely, but heaven only knows, you know it when you see it. 

And it is good.

Over to you – Is niceness important to you? Can you recount examples of niceness you have seen?

A version of this post was first published by Sixtyandme.com